There are simply too many ‘WTF’ stories to come out of Florida every week for me to report on in real-time. So to give you the best-of-the-best, here’s the 10 most WTF news stories from the Sunshine State in the past week, your weekly collection of WTFlorida.
Florida Women try to steal beach then, then attack
Florida Woman was out in full force on the 4th of July trying to steal sh*t from Florida Man. These women started off by trying to jack this dad’s canopy, which I know from experience to be about the most valuable thing you can have at the beach on the 4th of July, and they end with trying to attack him.
Without some shade and protection from the sun on the 4th, there’s simply no way to last from morning until the fireworks, it’s just not possible. These ladies apparently recognized that but didn’t have the foresight to pack their own. Jerks.
According to FOX40, the police were called but these women hauled ass out of there before the officers arrived, jerks.
Florida Man hacks road sign, ‘F*ck her right in the p*ssy’ meme continues
As we’ve documented many times here in recent days, the ‘f*ck her right in the p*ssy’ meme has taken over the Internet (and mainstream media). And it’s finally leaked on down to the Sunshine State (according to the official @FloridaMan Twitter handle).
http://v9.anv.bz/scripts/anv_mcp_9.jsvar p = new anv_pl_def(); p.config = {}; p.config.width = 640; p.config.height = 360; p.loadVideoExpressV3(‘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|1000011|SPS’);
I think it’s time we ask ourselves not ‘when will this end’ but rather ‘when will this make it to the White House?’ Because until this meme hits the hallowed grounds of D.C., have we really accomplished anything with these TV videobombs?!
Teacher suspended after getting drunk with students, giving twerking lessons, receiving lap dances
As we covered here on Guyism yesterday, Courtney Spruill has been suspended for attending a middle school soccer team’s party (at a parent’s home), teaching kids to twerk, getting drunk, and caught on video getting a lap dance from one of the students.
Just another day in the life of Florida Woman? Perhaps, but this actually seems a little to endemic of charges we see nationwide, and not something confined to the absolute WTFlorida level of weird we’ve come to expect. More details on the story can be read here.
Riot breaks out at ‘Anti-Violence Concert’, Florida Man left shot and unconscious
Because ‘irony’ can often be a difficult concept for Florida Man to comprehend, I’ve gone ahead and included the definition above.
According to Pensacola News Journal:
An altercation early Sunday morning that led to a 16-year-old being shot and a 15-year-old being knocked unconscious occurred right after a Stop the Violence concert, according to an event organizer.
Around 1:30 a.m. Sunday, about 300 teenagers had congregated outside of American Legion Post 33 on 1401 W. Intendencia St. following the concert, according to a news release from the Pensacola Police Department. A large fight broke out among the youth, and one male was shot in the upper torso and another was beaten unconsciousness.
A co-organizer of the concert, Bill Marshall, said the concert had been a free event where local music artists performed and spoke to the youths about ending violence in their communities.
This is actually a pretty genius marketing strategy (if that’s what they had in mind): raise awareness about non-violence and the dangers of violence by inciting a violent riot, thus showing the tangible benefits of non-violence in action. Bravo, genius marketers.
Stoners break in to school, steal Fruit Loops
Just look at those deliciously delectable Fruit Loops, who can blame Logan Brown & Christopher Ramos for their actions? Reportedly on July 3rd, the pair got blazed and then decided to break in to Challenger K-8 School in Hernando County with the master plan of stealing Fruit Loops to satiate their insatiable munchies.
According to The Tampa Tribune:
The pot-puffing pair was busted after a Hernando detective posted images from the school’s surveillance video on the sheriff’s office Facebook page and distributed the images by a Community Alert Bulletin, the report said.
You can read more about their ‘adventure’ and all the case details HERE on The Tampa Tribune.
Florida Man arrested for identity theft, wasted money on ‘Bentley’ forehead tattoo instead of actual luxury car
26-year-old Derek Denesevich, of Broward County, was arrested for identity theft after it was discovered that he was working on conjunction with a Broward Clerk of Courts employee in a plot to steal tax return information, and falsify documents.
According to court records, the employee, Porscha Kyles, 26, misused her position to steal drivers’ identities which Denesevich’s then used to electronically file false tax returns to get refunds from the IRS. Denesevich would bay Kyles’ cash for the information she’d provide.
Starting in 2011, Kyles provided Denesevich with names, dates of birth and Social Security numbers from the driver’s license information she obtained.
In all, prosecutors say more than 100 Floridians had their identities stolen in the scheme, with a total loss of $120,000.
$120,000 you say? That’s interesting, because that’s the exact same price as this 2010 Bentley for sale, and instead of getting that isht tattooed on your dome you probably could have just bought a car and not looked like a jackass for the rest of your life. But who am I to judge, you’re more Florida Man than I’ll ever be according to the arrest records…
Florida Woman punches victim…at the beach…for getting her wet
Does that really look like the mug shot of a lady who’d punch another woman at the beach for accidentally getting her wet? Yes, yes it does. Why’d I even ask that question? Holy SH*T that’s the best mugshot I’ve ever seen, it typifies everything I’ve ever come to know about ‘Florida Woman.’ Aside from my mother of course, Dorothy Mantooth is a saint, and don’t you dare say otherwise.
Naples Police arrested a 35-year-old woman, accused of punching another woman who accidentally wet her while rinsing off a beach chair at a public shower on 6th Avenue South Saturday.
The victim said the suspect, later identified as Heather Roland, hit her in the back of the head with a closed fist, pushed her into the shower stand and said, “If it happens again, you will have a knife in your face.”
If I was giving out awards for the absolute most WTFLorida story of the week, no question this would be the winner. Everything about this screams ‘gulf coast’ to me, I love it, more like this please? I’m talking to you Lady Sunshine.
Lawyer indefinitely suspended after claiming ‘people controlled & tortured her via a microchip illegally implanted in to her brain’
The Florida Supreme Court came down hard on Janice L. Jennings, 55, of Bartow and West Palm Beach, after she began to make claims that she’d been tortured and had a brain-controlling computer micro-chip implanted in to her brain. Because that’s totally a thing, totally.
A June 16 Times article showed that she had been telling federal judges for more than a decade that she was the victim of mind control and torture, with no apparent effect on her license to practice law.
It was during a May 16 hearing for one of those cases that Jennings told Lazzara she believed opposing counsel John W. Campbell had tortured her by using a microchip illegally implanted in her brain.
I wish there was something funny about this story, but frankly it’s just saddening. An intelligent and successful woman succumbing to the grips of mind-controlling microchips, ugh. It’s almost as if ‘Archer’ was set in Florida and not NYC… Oh wait, this season was….
Florida Man arrested on drug charges, handcuffed, ditches cuffs, steals cop cruiser
WTFlorida appears to be leaking once again, as Florida Man (aka Seth Ray Stewart of Miami) was pulled over in Georgia and arrested on drug charges. After being handcuffed and throw in the back of the cop cruiser, Stewart proceeded to somehow ditch the handcuffs, climb through the window of the cruiser from the back to the front, and take off on a 5-mile joyride before being apprehended again. The force is strong with this one. NYDailyNews has the full story here.
Florida Man traps 12ft python in his BBQ grill, doesn’t eat it
.@MiamiDadeFire #Venom1 team captured 12ft python @FloridaCity last night. Residents trapped it in a bbq grill. pic.twitter.com/8c69U3RIgL
— Arnold Piedrahita Jr (@mdfrpio) July 4, 2014
“”
BayNews9 spoke with the locals responsible for apprehending the invasive species leviathan:
“My daughter said, ‘There’s a snake come to the gate; tell me what it is,’ and I said, ‘OK, I’ll be right there.’ and I look and it’s on the lady’s porch and it was huge, and I said, ‘Oh my God, it’s a python,’ and the head was bigger than my hand,” Brooks said.
“I was scared to grab her by myself,” Brooks said. “She was pretty strong, so I saw a guy and said, ‘Hey, are you scared of snakes?’ and he said, ‘No.’ I said, ‘Come over here,’ and it had slid and hid under the lady’s barbecue grill.”
“We managed to get it in the barbecue and under the cover of the barbecue,” Juan Rivero Sr. said. “The owner of the house brought us a pillow case, and eventually the tail just went in the pillowcase, so we had to use the barbecue cover to get it into it.”
Totally the same reaction I would have had in that situation: 12-ft snake? Better wrangle it up and trap it in the grill.