10 Stages Of Denial You Go Through When You Realize You’re Not Getting Laid Tonight
For a Bro, every Friday is filled with anticipation for the upcoming weekend. The idea of getting laid is what pushes you through writing a 6-page research paper on Benedict Arnold for that dick of a History teacher. Ambitions and expectations are high when you are single and “on the prowl.” Sometimes you get lucky, but more times than not you go through these ten stages of a night when you return to bed with just your right hand…
Stage 1: Excitement
It’s Friday afternoon. You just have to suffer through one more class and then it’s the weekend! The thing is…Friday afternoon classes are always taught by the most boring individuals in the world, so this is usually you:
After managing to get through the lecture about Marx’s communistic ideals, it hits you that the weekend is here…
You tell yourself “this is going to be MY weekend.” You notice on Facebook that the girl you’ve been flirting with in English class is going to the same party as you, and the excitement rushes through your veins…
Stage 2: Getting Ready
You think about switching the style up but decide to go with the classic button-up shirt and khakis. To make yourself look like even more of a douche, you round off your frat boy costume with a polo hat that is, of course, put on backward.
This outfit hasn’t worked for you the past 4 weekends, but that isn’t stopping your sky-high confidence (which also makes very little sense considering your track record). You look yourself in the mirror and ask “Would I fuck a guy in this outfit? Yeah, I would 100% fuck a guy in this outfit.” You even throw a bicep pose in there like you are Arnold in Pumping Iron, even though you haven’t been to the gym in months.
Stage 3: The Pregame
It’s around 9:00 and you go to the same place you’ve gone all year to pregame; a disgusting dorm room or apartment that looks a bit like this:
You down some alcohol, probably a combination of Milwaukee’s Best and Popov Vodka (it isn’t college unless you drink vodka that is less than $10 a liter). You shotgun a beer or two like your name is Steve Austin:
You think about texting that girl from English class, but you know sending a “You going out?” text before 10 PM is a big no-no. You can’t seem like you are showing too much interest, even though you haven’t wanted to get laid this much since you got to college.
Stage 4: Denial
Around 10, you shoot the girl the “You going out text?” You consciously decided that adding, “are” to that sentence would make you look too much like a square and not the alpha dog you want her to think you are. Alpha dogs do not care about proper grammar.
You and your friends leave the gross apartment, and you’ve noticed that the girl hasn’t texted you back. The anxiety starts to hit.
You soon realize that she has had more than enough time to post an Instagram with some stupid Drake lyric like “You and yours verse me and mine” as if her “squad” was getting ready to enter a tag match at WrestleMania, not go to a college bar that serves 17-year-olds.
You keep your hope up because crazier things have happened before, right? The Red Sox were down 3-0 in the 2004 ALCS and they came back, why can’t you do that as well?
Stage 5: Reality Hits
You and your friends get to the party and sure enough, the girl who didn’t reply is there. You see her in a corner with her friends, and to no surprise, she is on her phone. To make things worse, some athlete came over to give her a drink, which she immediately gave a hug and a kiss on the cheeks to.