10 Stages Of Denial You Go Through When You Realize You’re Not Getting Laid Tonight
For a Bro, every Friday is filled with anticipation for the upcoming weekend. The idea of getting laid is what pushes you through writing a 6-page research paper on Benedict Arnold for that dick of a History teacher. Ambitions and expectations are high when you are single and “on the prowl.” Sometimes you get lucky, but more times than not you go through these ten stages of a night when you return to bed with just your right hand…
Stage 1: Excitement
It’s Friday afternoon. You just have to suffer through one more class and then it’s the weekend! The thing is…Friday afternoon classes are always taught by the most boring individuals in the world, so this is usually you:
After managing to get through the lecture about Marx’s communistic ideals, it hits you that the weekend is here…
You tell yourself “this is going to be MY weekend.” You notice on Facebook that the girl you’ve been flirting with in English class is going to the same party as you, and the excitement rushes through your veins…
Stage 2: Getting Ready
You think about switching the style up but decide to go with the classic button-up shirt and khakis. To make yourself look like even more of a douche, you round off your frat boy costume with a polo hat that is, of course, put on backward.
This outfit hasn’t worked for you the past 4 weekends, but that isn’t stopping your sky-high confidence (which also makes very little sense considering your track record). You look yourself in the mirror and ask “Would I fuck a guy in this outfit? Yeah, I would 100% fuck a guy in this outfit.” You even throw a bicep pose in there like you are Arnold in Pumping Iron, even though you haven’t been to the gym in months.
Stage 3: The Pregame
It’s around 9:00 and you go to the same place you’ve gone all year to pregame; a disgusting dorm room or apartment that looks a bit like this:
You down some alcohol, probably a combination of Milwaukee’s Best and Popov Vodka (it isn’t college unless you drink vodka that is less than $10 a liter). You shotgun a beer or two like your name is Steve Austin:
You think about texting that girl from English class, but you know sending a “You going out?” text before 10 PM is a big no-no. You can’t seem like you are showing too much interest, even though you haven’t wanted to get laid this much since you got to college.
Stage 4: Denial
Around 10, you shoot the girl the “You going out text?” You consciously decided that adding, “are” to that sentence would make you look too much like a square and not the alpha dog you want her to think you are. Alpha dogs do not care about proper grammar.
You and your friends leave the gross apartment, and you’ve noticed that the girl hasn’t texted you back. The anxiety starts to hit.
You soon realize that she has had more than enough time to post an Instagram with some stupid Drake lyric like “You and yours verse me and mine” as if her “squad” was getting ready to enter a tag match at WrestleMania, not go to a college bar that serves 17-year-olds.
You keep your hope up because crazier things have happened before, right? The Red Sox were down 3-0 in the 2004 ALCS and they came back, why can’t you do that as well?
Stage 5: Reality Hits
You and your friends get to the party and sure enough, the girl who didn’t reply is there. You see her in a corner with her friends, and to no surprise, she is on her phone. To make things worse, some athlete came over to give her a drink, which she immediately gave a hug and a kiss on the cheeks to.
Stage 6: Anger
The worse part of the night is always this stage. You have no idea why you thought you had a chance with this girl. She wasn’t flirting back with you in class, she just responded in a nice way because she was trapped in the same room and had no other choice. The only reason you have her number is because you and her were forced to do a project together. There was no interest on her side. This is the 4th time you’ve made this mistake this year, and something needs to change. Your expectations need to take a dip in the future…
Stage 7: Depression
It’s now hitting you how depressing this dry spell has been. You start to calculate how long it’s been and notice the “it’s only been a month” narrative is beyond false. It’s actually been two, and might even be three months. Your dry spell is equivalent to a combination of the Sahara desert and the 2015 California drought.
You are pretending to have fun with your friends, but deep down the only thing you can think about is how the only thing that’s touched your dick in the past two months is your right hand.
You’ve scrolled through your contacts eight times at this point and even considered texting that crazy girl you hooked up with last year who wanted you to meet her parents after a one-night stand.
You are so low at this point that you are honestly thought about going to talk to that group of freshman girls in the corner.
Then it hits you how far you have fallen. Freshman…really? You are considering freshman? This isn’t what college was supposed to be like. College was supposed to be filled with sex, parties, and drugs, not considering hitting on a group of freshman 2 months into a dry spell. Where the fuck is my Blue Mountain State?
Stage 8: Acceptance
You slowly accept the fact that you aren’t getting laid tonight. You tell yourself you are going to start hitting the gym more and stop eating Pizza eight times a week. Girls definitely love the muscles and that whole “dad bod being in” thing is 100% a lie.
Stage 9: Food
After you and your friends decide the party is no longer worth staying at, you all come to the agreement on getting food. You may not be getting laid tonight, but you are getting some pizza, which is always the second best option:
“The diet starts tomorrow” you tell yourself as you chow down on your 4th slice of pizza, “I’m going to be a sexual Adonis in no time.”
Stage 10: Bed
The only advantage of not getting laid is in this stage. Sharing your twin size bed after drunk, awkward sex with a person you barely know is 100% not comfier than you are right now:
As your head hits the pillow you tell yourself tomorrow night is going to be better, even though deep down you know that’s not the truth.
I hope I didn’t cause too many awful flashbacks for you as you’ve read this. If not that’s okay, because you’ll just go through these stages the next time you go out. Or hey, maybe I’m wrong? I’m sure you, the same person who is reading this as he downs a bag of Doritos, will have no problem getting laid this weekend ;).
Jack McGuire writes for BigDaddysCourt.com. If you enjoy his work, please give him a follow over on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt.