We all remember the first time we got our Facebook. If you were like me, Facebook was how you spent hours of your late middle-school/early high school years. You most likely posted on your crushes wall and hopefully they posted back. Your popularity was measured by the number of friends you had, which meant you were friend requesting kids you played tee ball back in pre-school with to boost that number up.
I’m not breaking any news here, but Facebook has become incredibly less popular. A site that used to be dominated by millennials is now the social network of suburban parents. Some of your friends have defied the impending funeral of Facebook, and they most likely fall in one of these categories:
1 The Political Mark
Your feed could be filled with republicans or democrats; you are still going to have that guy who lets his opinion be known on everything that is going on in the political world. His prime time is during debates when he will 100% let you know whether or not the wall should be built or whether this country should offer free college tuition. The takes he drops are usually incredibly strong, which opens up the door for a 100-comment thread of debate with his friends who oppose his views. Don’t bother asking him why he likes a certain candidate’s economic policy though, because at the end of the day he has no idea what he is talking about.
2. The Social Justice Warrior
Do you need a talking to about white privilege? What about child labor? Look no further than this Facebook friend who has been posting infographics about social justice topics for the past two years. Give them some time, though; they need to put down their Starbucks latte and open up their Macbook Air (which ironically was made courtesy of child labor) to tutor you.
3. The Kid Who Dropped Out Of High School
You completely forgot this kid existed, but his daily posts about why the government should legalize marijuana and how much he hates his boss reminded you that getting an education was just as important as your parents said it was.
4. The Teen Mom
You are in store for at least two “Here is Emma at the park” or “She is so cute!” posts a week with this friend. She also refuses to acknowledge that the kid was 100% not planned. You have no idea who the father is, and you are hoping she eventually goes on Maury so you can tell your friends “I went to high school with her!”
5. The Wanna-Be Model
She prides herself like she is the second coming of Gisele, but in all reality, she’s just posting her photo shoots from some creepy photographers apartment. She claims she didn’t go to college because she wanted to “focus on her career,” which is looking like it was a GREAT decision!
6. The Person You Have No Idea Why You Are Facebook Friends With
You have zero mutual friends. You’ve gone back in your memory bank multiple times, but you still don’t understand why friends with a girl who lives 2000 miles away.
7. The Promoter
THIS FRIDAY WE ARE HAVING MARCH MADNESS AT THE BLUE GOOSE. $2 SHOTS. $1 PITCHERS. GIRLS GET IN FREE BEFORE 11:30. SHOW THIS POST TO THE BOUNCER AND WE’LL GIVE 50% OFF THE COVER CHARGE. TIME TO GET LIT.
8. Your Mom
Back in 8th grade, she made you become friends to make sure you weren’t doing anything “inappropriate.” She hasn’t failed to notice when you’ve unfriended her in the past, so at this point you’ve just accepted the fact that you are going to be tagged in the “making cookies, I bet (insert your name) is missing home right now” posts. No, Mom, I’m not missing home. At all. Thanks for reminding me, though.
9. Your Grandma
If you are fortunate enough to still have your Grandma alive, you’ve most likely had the unfortunate task of showing her how to use Facebook. She comments on every picture you are tagged in, with a classic “Jackie is all grown up! What a handsome young man! I’m so proud.” What she doesn’t know, and wouldn’t be too proud of, is that clear substance in that Poland Springs bottle isn’t water ;).
10. The Creep
You would think that after his 105th try of commenting, “u look so beautiful” on a girl’s (whom he barely talked to in high school) picture he would stop…you are very, very wrong.
11. The Frat/Sorority Star
You didn’t know that frats have parties? Thank God for this friend for informing you. You are happy for this friend, because all he/she ever wanted out of college was a Blue Mountain State experience, but you get it…he’s in a frat. ZETA PHI OMEGA ALPHA EPSILON FOR LIFE (I know that’s not a real frat, chill out).
12. The Photographer
You’ve been invited to like their photography page a dozen times, but you never do. You’ve had to restrain yourself from commenting, “just because you have a $300 Nixon camera doesn’t make you a professional photographer.”
13. The Food Recipe Sharer
Don’t know how to make Meatballs stuffed with Mac and Cheese? How about Oreo stuffed fried donuts? Then this person is your go to. He/she is directly to blame for you cheating on your diet at least once or twice. Don’t worry, for all the recipes she’s shared on Facebook, she hasn’t bothered to make one in real life.
14. The Gamer
WHY ARE YOU STILL SENDING ME FARMVILLE REQUESTS? IT’S 2016, AND WE ARE 20-YEARS-OLD. STOP.
15. The Couple
If you thought you’ve seen enough PDA on their Instagrams, you were very wrong. They are “deeply” in love and they want you and everybody else to know.
16. The Religious Nut
Don’t worry; you aren’t the only one that is confused that the same kid who was piss drunk at the party last night is posting bible verses on your feed.
These are the people you see still posting on Facebook. Although you complain about them in all of your group chats, deep down you love them and know they are a huge part of why you still log on to this once booming site. Thanks to them, Facebook will never die.
Jack McGuire writes for bigdaddyscourt.com . If you enjoy his work, please give him a follow on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt.