Why 2014 Is Shaping Up To Be Most Offensive Halloween Of All Time


Ooowee, this is going to be a fucked up Halloween. Let’s be honest with ourselves for a hot second–2014 has not been an awesome year. There was overt racism, a sprinkle of terrorism, a smattering of disease, and we even had some domestic violence.

We kind of killed it this year. You know, if “killed it” meant “did an awful job at just about everything.”

Luckily for you, I’m here to make sure you don’t get punched in the face this year. Since someone on the internet had to say something, it’s time to introduce the “Don’t Do It!” Halloween costume list of 2014:

DON’T DO IT: Donald Sterling/accompanying Clippers players: You own a suit, you’re kind of ugly, you know a dark-skinned girl and one of your friends has a Chris Paul, Clippers jersey–the way you see it, your hands are tied. Listen man, don’t do it. Even though all of these incongruent pieces somehow added up to a costume idea in your head, this is still not the move. And oh yeah, that girl posing as V. Stiviano is probably going to hook up with the dude dressed as Chris Paul. Irony.

DON’T DO IT: Ebola Hazmat Suits/Patients: Trying to brush off that non-creative Breaking Bad hazmat suit from last year and just call it “Ebola” this year, homie? We’re on to you. If you look up in the clouds at this very moment, you’ll be able to see the jig high in the sky. Stop it. Plus, girls don’t want to hook up with anyone posing as a person with blood coming out of their butt.

DON’T DO IT: Anything related to Ferguson, MO: If you’re messing around with this issue, you just might be racist. If that’s the case, go right ahead. Just a quick heads up, though, this will 100% be the most popular costume for racists this year. Don’t want to show up at the turn-up function and be the 8th dude dressed as Mike Brown/Darren Wilson. If you’re going to be a horrible person, at least show some imagination.

DON’T DO IT: ISIS: This should be extremely obvious, but if you decide to do this for any reason, you’re an idiot. Like, the dumbest person on Earth. But hey, if you want to be ostracized by everyone you know and effectively airlifted out of the United States, this may be your way to go.

DON’T DO IT: Any NFL Player involved in domestic violence cases: We already saw the Ray Rice costume make its first appearance (RIDICULOUSLY early, I might add–who the FUCK has a Halloween party in early October).


I mean, if you have no interest in hooking up with girls or having your mother respect you as a person, this might actually be a funny costume. Once you get rid of the whole “giving a shit about people” thing from your psyche, it’s all gravy, playa. This also includes Adrian Peterson “beating a kid with a tree branch” costumes. Sure, people may chuckle at first, but after a few minutes, we’re all just going to be weirded out that you brought a toy baby to the bar.

DON’T DO IT: ANY type of blackface OR whiteface: Blackface is so wack. Not just because it’s racist, but because it looks like so much work for such a small gain. The greatest gift a white person has is their white privilege and you want to risk temporarily losing that just to get off your little jokey jokes. What happens when you can’t get a cab? Or get put into a headlock by the NYPD because you looked like you were thinking about reaching in your pocket for something? Won’t be fun then.And yes, whiteface is a hilariously growing epidemic in America. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Dave Chappelle, of course.





DON’T DO IT: Washington Redskins/Native American: This one is strictly for dudes because chicks dressed as SEXY Pocahontas can get it. Historically accurate Pocahontas, on the other hand, is wildly offensive and we won’t stand for it. That being said, fellas, there is no way to really make Native American garb funny. It just is what it is.  You’re just going be the dude at the party with a floral arrangement on your head, getting in everyone’s way. The Redskins aren’t even good enough to warrant ruining your chances to bring Pocahontas back to her sexy tee-pee (historically accurate tee-pees can GTFO).

I don’t know, man. Go as fat Scream-costume and just try to enjoy your night.