4 Bars That Absolutely Should Exist

by 5 years ago

Bar #1: Grammar Bar

Humans who love grammar are one of two people: someone who needs to loosen up, or someone who is nerd sexy, but hasn't found the proper forum to explain the difference between further and farther. This bar serves both of these types, while having spectacular theme nights. For example:

Independent clauses night: Singles party. (We’re hoping for some subject/verb agreement!)

Possessive pronoun night: Couple’s Night!

Semi-colon night: Attendees are encouraged to wear trucker hats, show off their ass and twerk the night away.

Ladie’s night: A real sausage fest

The drink menu would be strong as well:

Their of the dog: Bloody Mary

Whom/Who gives a Damn: Mystery beer

Double Negative: Jager bomb

Passive Tense: The strongest drink in the bar. (Hopefully taking you to active tense)

The Contraction: This cranberry juice delight is for you pregnant ladies!

The Comma: Code name for water. Ordered when your drinking needs to pause.

Bar #2: Glory Days

After 3.5 beers with the fellas from high school or college, the glory days inevitably come out. Each year that passes, I get 3% better than I was. Unfortunately, I’m currently being dominated in the intermediate intramural basketball division by bros who ran cross-country in high school and are still in Tough Mudder shape. (My only mental retorts to these 3% body fatters are that no one likes the guy who always takes his shirt off, and their alcohol tolerance has to be embarrassingly low.)

This bar is simple. It has cold beer (not much makes me happier than when someone refers to beer as “cold beer;” not sure why) and TVs with VCRs and DVD players. You bring your high school/college sports tapes in, tilt back a PBR and remember when you didn’t consider walking at an incline to be a workout. Your high school skills can also simultaneously make potential GF candidates wetter than the threes you launched, while giving her hope she’ll one day be able to enjoy high school-quality delts with your tank top rather than just chuckling at the clever saying on the front.

Bar #3: Making Up for Lost Time

There were certain opportunities you had in high school that never present themselves in real life again, and if you missed out on them at age 17, you’re SOL. Not anymore. This “Lost Time” bar would have nightly games of Seven Minutes in Heaven and Spin the Bottle and only serve pasta, which must be eaten Lady and the Tramp-style.

The penis game would also be played in a back area from 9-10. Most bros have obviously played the penis game, but it could be a fun way for the ladies or anyone uptight to get the night loosened up. I also see the potential for some pretty incredible theme nights.

The most buzz-worthy of which would be “Camp Night.” My biggest regret so far in life is that I never went to Jewish camp. I’m not Jewish, so it makes sense, but “camp” sounds like the most magical/formative time in any young person’s life, and I want everyone (mostly myself) to be able to have this experience. We’d have a bros night at “Lost Time” and partner with a bar having ladies night on the same block. We’d then have to somehow sneak out of our respective bars to meet up and make out with each other. We’d also do other cool stuff that happens at Jewish camp, but because I NEVER WENT, I don’t know what those things are.

No one is more of a wild card on the scene then the girl who didn’t get a lot of attention in college but now has blossomed, by the way. Just putting this thought in the patrons’ heads will give “Lost Time” a nice, frisky energy.

Bar #4: Sword in the Bro-ne

The ROI on this bar is pretty easy to understand. It would have a large round table for VIPs, a dragon as a fireplace and a moat for ambiance (if it can be built just across a river, even better).

The coolest part of this bar would be the Sword in the Stone interactive video game (think of that hardest punch boxing game). Anyone in the bar could pay $1 to try and remove the sword in the stone. The video game would be set so once per night, a random King Arthur would remove the sword. This man would be knighted, wear a crown for the rest of the evening and get 10 free shots to award to others in the bar.

Drunk asses could also take their turn with a battering ram trying to knock the door to the back patio door out once a year when it gets warm, and King Arthur trivia night and Game of Thrones viewing parties would be a must. To help build buzz, Lord Disick would throw a customer appreciation party once per year.

With the economy slowly rebounding, I have faith in the future heroic entrepreneurs that take the next generation of bars up a few B.A.C. levels. Let these ideas get the wheels lubed up, put on your best thinking cap, throw on John Legend’s “If You’re Out There” and keep me in mind as an angel investor if you make any moves.

Find Jake's BroBible archive here. You can also follow him on Twitter and check out his blog, Big Balls Ideas.