Here’s something you’re already probably painfully aware of — but women don’t have to like you. With the overabundance of options via dating apps, social apps, or **gasp** even real life, both sexes are no longer tied to solely dating people we knew from our home towns, college, friends of friends, or parents’ friends if you’re really gold digging. Since you don’t want to waste precious days and weeks of your life trying to get into the heart (okay, skirt) of your desire only to find it all for naught, here are some blatant warning signs when you’re wondering if the juice is really worth the squeeze. Because there’s only so much torment our blackened hearts can take.
Remember, don’t hate the player — hate the player and the game.
There’s a long, long window between texts
Here’s a fun fact about you, your friend, your friend’s friend and by and large, women — we’re always on our phones! I sleep next to mine and go into a full blown panic attack when I don’t know where it is. Among email, texting, twitter, instagram — the very life I fabricate for myself via social media — my iPhone is like a third arm. With that being said, we will play the old wait between texts game to not look desperate, which you bros are definitely guilty of as well. The downside of that is we can sometimes forget to text back altogether because we didn’t do it immediately. Usually she knows exactly what she’s doing though. If she’s doesn’t respond to two texts in a row, time to start emotionally moving on.
She shows up wasted
While I think I’m delightful when I do this and David certainly is, if she continually shows up wasted to your date, it’s because she has difficulty tolerating your very presence and is apathetic about the idea of making a good impression. Or she has a drinking problem. Or both. I’ve done this once after a dinner party where I was probably already a bottle of wine deep, and I’m pretty sure I was the first Jew that poor Midwestern transplant had to deal with. So I’d like to take this moment to apologize to my people.
She wants to split the bill/not order food
I’m not a total monster and if I really don’t want to see a dude again, I’ll try to alleviate guilt by splitting the bill and not making him pay for my drink(s) although if it’s that bad I’m out of there after one vodka soda. I don’t like ordering food on dates in general because eating in front of people you’re trying to impress is inherently awkward, but also food adds up. If a chick is vehemently against ordering food and you’re jonesing for appetizers — she’s either not in the mood to deal with sucking down sliders in your presence or deal with a check for something that is never going to work out. Either way, do you want to date someone who doesn’t eat? Never mind, don’t answer that.
She doesn’t leave anything in your apartment
Girls love leaving things places because we frankly demand a lot of upkeep and having an extra toothbrush, hairbrush, deodorant and set of makeup on hand can be a lifesaver. We also like marking our territory and worst case scenario, knowing that we’ll have to see you one last time to grab our crap (this is why you should always live in a doorman building, just leave a bag with her name on it and save yourself that last awkward encounter). If she’s being extra, extra careful to make sure she leaves nary a hair elastic behind — she’s already planning her escape route.
Her friends don’t know who you are
If you get the coveted invitation to meet her and her besties out at a bar and they show no indication of having heard of you before or drunkenly sputter “who the hell are you”, you’re not long for her company. Chicks tend to tell each other about the dudes they’re “seeing”, and if they don’t know anything about you other than your left-leaning tendencies **cough** don’t be surprised when the other shoe drops. On the bright side, if they don’t have any clue who you are, it could be open season to hit on her friends. Making her friends her eskimo sisters creates an unshakable bond that can never be broken