5 Valentine’s Day Tricks To Woo The Lonely, Single Girls In Your Life

Let’s get this straight — Valentine’s Day is strictly a Hallmark holiday. Saint Valentine was arrested by the Romans, and the children he was friendly with threw love notes into his jail cell before he was beheaded. How this appropriately #dark day turned into an overpriced five course tasting menu and enough discount chocolate to make sure no one wants to see you naked again is a trick of capitalism. A stunt pulled by the same marketing and PR girls you’ll end up taking out and who will pull the ‘not tonight’ card after too much of the aforementioned tasting menu.

That being said, Valentine’s Day is still a cruel reminder to single people of just how single they are. And for a slew of reasons including gender inequality and biological clocks, women are more apt to feel societal pressure if they just plan on Chinese takeout alone in sweatpants on this supposedly romantic night. Have a crush you’ve always wanted to bone but didn’t think you’d had a chance with? Fear not, even though prime cuffing season days are nearly over (thanks global warming!), you can still pull a few tricks out of your hat, err pants, on February 14th.

Have her over for dinner

Your roommate is probably out with his girlfriend anyway, so be her white knight and cook a decent meal. It can be as fancy as steak and champagne or simple as pancakes and PBR — on this day it’s really the thought that counts. Just make sure your apartment is somewhat clean beforehand, no chick likes walking into a post-grad frat pad.

Go bar hopping

Camaraderie at its finest, bar hopping gives the illusion of empathy without the intent materializing until you’re both hammered. A string of dive bars usually works well in this manner. This might sound creepy in theory but chicks are guilty on jumping on ulterior motives as well. How else is the human race expected to procreate?

Low-key BYOB restaurant

You might think it’ll be impossible to get a reservation on one of the busiest nights of the year, but fear not, in major cities the lower-end venues will be free and clear until later in the evening. My ex and I did this last year, and even though the restaurant was pretty pissed we showed up with a magnum of cheap wine, they were thrilled to have the business. BYOBs are great because you obviously don’t have to shell out a ton for booze, and wine drunk on V-Day brings out all the feels.

Movie Marathon

Valentine’s Day movie marathons are a total given, and most networks will be catering to their sweatpants clad clientele who are planning on being on a little fuzzy around the edges. It’ll be hard for her to turn down a rom com drinking game, and this way she doesn’t have to miss the slew of movies she was planning on seeing in her coveted down time anyway.

Egg her ex’s apartment/key his car

Nothing is hotter than the adrenaline rush of defacing something near and dear to the person who broke your heart, stomped on it and then tried to sleep with all your friends. This beyond romantic gesture will get her in the mood to do something crazy after, like maybe public indecency! See, romance and chivalry isn’t dead.

Sarah Solomon is a humor and fashion writer living out her delusions of grandeur in NYC. Follow her on @sarahsolfails or her parody account, @urbanJAP.