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Below is a timeline. More specifically, it is a timeline of when people peak at certain things in their lifetime. It claims that it is backed by something called “Science” so take that for what it is. Depending on how you look at things and your age, this timeline is either very sad, very encouraging, or very wrong. Seeing as how most of us like to live in a state of utter delusion regarding how we view our own talents, I am guessing most people will think everything on this timeline is bullshit. I assure you, it is not all bullshit, but some of it probably is. Let’s break it down and then take a look, shall we?
Learning a new language – Age 7
This is accurate. I took 4 years of honors Spanish in high school and the only thing I learned was how to say, “I have very handsome nuts” in the language. Sadly, that sentence has never gotten me laid. Real waste.
Brain processing power – Age 18
I’m apparently too old to understand what the fuck “brain processing power” even means. So this must also be accurate.
Remembering names – Age 22
Accurate. Every person I meet is basically a nameless blob of human flesh at this point. Although I think I sucked at this well before I turned 22, too.
Female attractiveness to men & Life satisfaction – Age 23
False. You may be having tons-o-sex at age 23 (fantastic work if you are) but life gets better and so does your taste in women.
Muscle strength – Age 25
My personal strength definitely peaked around my mid-20s. So this might be accurate.
Finding a partner for marriage – Age 26
Sure.
Running a marathon – Age 28
My favorite thing about marathon running is that I will never do it. So sure, this is accurate.
Bone Mass – Age 30
Hard to argue with science here. Guess it’s time to buy some fuckin’ calcium chews.
Playing Chess – Age 31
How is this even quantifiable? Is this the age Bobby Fischer was at his best or something? Garbage statistic.
Remembering Faces – Age 32
“Hey, there goes whatshisface from Bob’s pool party.” -all of you since age 22 apparently, also me since forever.
Salary (Women) – Age 39
I have more bad news for you, ladies. You’re not going to like where the salary statistic lands for men on this list.
Making a Nobel Prizing-winning discovery – Age 40
Here is another shit statistic that applies to less than 1% of the population. Let’s put it this way…the only chance I have of making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is if I find some gigantic, mutated mass on my own body and then some person with actual intelligence takes that disgusting mass and uses it to eradicate cancer. That’s my only shot. And it’s probably your only shot, too.
Salary (Men) – Age 48
Wa…Wa…Wa…Wa…WAGE GAP!!!!!
Arithmetic Skills – Age 50
The only thing I can calculate without the use of a calculator is my golf score and 20% for a tip. Outside of that, I have no faith in my brain. (Side Note: When I first typed this out, I initially spelled “Skills” as “Skillz.” And then when I went to correct it, I did it again. The Internet has ruined me.)
Understanding people’s emotions – Age 51
Maybe? I am just happy this says “understanding” and not “caring about,” because by age 51 I want to care even less than I already do.
Life Satisfaction (again) – Age 69
69…I see what you did there. But I am not totally buying this. Sure, you’ll probably have grandkids by now and you’ll hopefully be retired, but you’re also really close to death. A real bittersweet time.
Vocabulary – Age 71
Old, retired people have the time to read a lot of books. So I’ll allow it. But what I won’t allow…
Happiness with your body – Age 74
Um…WHAT? I don’t want to speak on behalf of any 74-year-olds but I think there is a difference between accepting your saggy, flabby body and being happy with it. Or maybe I am just an overly vain piece of shit? This one could admittedly go either way.
Psychological Wellbeing – Age 82
BULLSHIT. My parents are only in their 60s and they are already fucking crazy.
Now see it all in timeline form!
What do you think? Do you find this to be accurate or total fucking bullshit?