Analyzing The Weirdest Facts About Singles In America

As a human adult and current single person, my friends in long-term relationships are often curious about what we single-folk are up to. People will say things like, “hey Brandon, what’s it like being single, you anti-social freak? Are you looking forward to donating all of your money to your parrot after you croak because you have zero loved ones in your life? Just come out of the closet already and end the speculation, you piece of shit.” I usually just laugh it off and say, “you’re crazy, Mom,” but a part of me is sick of having to answer all these questions!

Thankfully, Match.com has done all of us single people a favor by releasing their fifth annual Singles in America study. What does the study assess? Well… are you serious? It’s literally in the title. It’s about singles in America. Fine, more specifically –

The 2014 data illustrates the ways in which adult singles of all ages, ethnic backgrounds and regions date and communicate in a tech-savvy world.  The study also reveals singles’ sexual desires and sheds light on their opinions of modern gender roles and controversial political topics.

Oh, word? You had me at sexual desires! Leave your political topics at the door, thank you very much! Let’s analyze!

Where singles meet – 31% of U.S. singles met their last first date online, while 25% met through a friend and 6% of singles met their last first date in a bar or club.
-If that stat doesn’t inspire you to join online dating, I don’t know what will. It’s also interesting that based on my rudimentary math, I guess the remaining 38% met their last first date in a bus station bathroom. Fascinating.

Instant messages – 34% percent of 20-somethings expect a response within 10 minutes of sending a text, compared to 31% of 30-somethings, 27% of 40-somethings, 25% of 50-somethings and 14% of 60-somethings. Men want a faster connection than women – 30% of single men expect this immediate response compared to 26% of single women.
-And 100% of 90-somethings want you to explain how this devil device sends words in the air. Text response time is important to me. I get infuriated with any girl who takes hours to respond. I don’t know a single 20-something girl who isn’t glued to her phone. I get it, you’re busy and important. We all are. If I’m texting, it’s usually about plans. Let’s make the plans, and both go about our day. I’ve never been on the fence about a girl and after she takes six hours to respond to a text I’m then like “whoa, this girl’s so mysterious! Guess I’ll just marry her now.”

Texting turn-offs – Both single women (54%) and men (36%) find misspellings and incorrect grammar to be the biggest text message turn-offs, and 33% of single men don’t like “very short” text responses. Women don’t want to receive sexts from men; men don’t want to receive texts during work; and singles don’t want to receive a second text until after they have already responded to the first.
-So, guys are basically like “I’ll stop sending you pictures of my dick, if you stop bothering me at work.” Seems like a fair compromise. And yes, very on board about the grammar thing. If you don’t know the difference between you’re/your, to/too, or their/there, please stop reading this article immediately and go find an article explaining it to you.

Social media taboos – The top social media activities that turn singles off include: airing your emotional drama in posts (65% men; 78% women); displaying too many selfies (46% men; 65% women); and asking you to un-friend your ex (49% men; 59% women). Also, 72% of singles do not want a potential partner to use their cell phone too frequently while on a date.
-Here’s some advice – nobody has ever turned off a potential mate by shutting up. Just shut up. Nobody can be turned off by your social media presence if you don’t have a significant one. I’m not saying get off Facebook and Instagram, but don’t be one of those people who is posting constantly on social media. It’s annoying. If you’re not sure if you’re bothering people with your social media habits, might I recommend this comprehensive article.

Selfie-centered – 53% of single women and 44% of single men have posted at least ONE selfie in the last year – to capture a moment (61% men; 67% women), to show off where they are and what they’re doing (42% men; 40% women), or to document a good hair day or outfit (19% men; 38% women). On Instagram, men are most turned on by pictures of a woman’s body (58%) and women are most turned off by pictures of men showing off their body (45%). Both genders are also turned on by funny/silly photos (56%) and travel/landscape photos (56%).
-Take all of that info, cram it together, and you have a recipe for the perfect selfie. You just need to make sure you have your disgusting body hidden, you’re acting silly or have a funny caption, and there’s a sweet landscape in the background. Boom. Here’s me taking my own advice this past summer, and I didn’t need any damn study to teach me to do it!

Sexts in all sizes – According to singles’ BMI (body-mass index), underweight singles (26%), normal weight singles (34%), overweight singles (32%) and obese singles (32%) have all sent sexts.
-I guess people be sexting. I have been three out of four of those weights, and never received a single nude photo from a girl. I’m doing something wrong.

So emojional – 51% of singles say they use emojis to give their texts ‘more personality’ and 37% say that emojis make it ‘easier to express their feelings.’ Single emoji-users regularly use the wink (53%), the smiley face (38%), and the kiss (26%) to flirt with a date. But limit yourself to only 1-3 emojis per text, please! Also, 52% of emoji-using singles went on at least one first date in 2014, compared to 27% of singles that never use emojis. Single emoji-users are also twice as likely (62%) as non-users (30%) to want to get married.
-Damn, who knew you could read so much into snail with gun to head next to surfing guy? Here is a controversial stance that I’ve gotten into many-a-fight with my friends about – any guy who earnestly uses emojis is a huge creep. I use roughly seventeen-hundred emojis a day, but I use them for comedy purposes. I would never text with a girl that I don’t know that well and say something like “Looking forward to tomorrow night! ;)” That is the text of a serial killer. I might say “Looking forward to tomorrow night! *dancing girl, wine glass, Hova hands*” but that adds some flare and personality. There’s nothing funny about an earnest :). It reads like a threat. I know there will be a lot of dissent here, but I’ve had girls confirm this sentiment to me, and I stand by it.

What women want – Single women want: more time with friends (64% women; 55% men), more personal space (90% women; 78% men), their own bank account (78% women, 68% men); and to pursue their own hobbies and interests (93% women, 88% men). Single women are also slower to want to move in with a new partner, thus maintaining their independence. Single women are most likely to expect to date someone for 1-2 years before living together (33% women; 30% men), while single men are most likely to want to date 6-12 months before cohabitating (34% men; 23% women). Yet, 46% of singles believe the sexes are equally romantic.
-You dudes are trying to move in with a girl after less than a year of dating?! Are you insane? You barely know this girl! Is this a financial thing? I think you’re rushing into this. Are you seriously ready to be faced with the harsh reality of a bathroom stinking of shit from a girl you’re sexually involved with? Keep the romance alive for a little bit, fellas!

Sweat some to get some – 33% of singles that exercise 2-6 times a week had sex at least monthly in 2014, compared to only 20% of singles who rarely or never choose to exercise.  Additionally, 50% of singles that exercise at least twice per week went on a first date in 2014, compared to only 29% of singles who say they rarely or never exercise.
-Get off your ass, you fat slobs. If sex isn’t a motivating factor then I don’t know what will be.

CrossFit is the best fit – Those singles who work out at CrossFit gyms have more sex (45% had sex at least monthly or more in 2014); single cross-fitters also go on more dates (55% went on at least one date in 2014) than singles who work out in other ways.
-I’m just including this one because I know in doing so, this article stands a 75% higher chance of being shared on social media because CrossFitters are 117% more likely not to know when to shut up about CrossFit.

But yogi men work it out – Single men who do yoga have had more sexual partners than those participating in any other kind of exercise. Yogi men aged 20-50 have had an average of 17 partners, while the average is 10 partners for men in this age group.
-*googles nearby yoga studios*

Take a stand – 75% of singles want their date to have an opinion on foreign and domestic news and events.
-This is exactly why my go-to opener on Tinder has become “Marry/Fuck/Kill – ISIS, Boko Haram, Syrian Rebels”

Singles’ values – Most singles believe in a woman’s right to choose (74% men; 81% women); in the legalization of marijuana (54% men; 48% women); in environmental protection laws (72% men; 76% women); and marriage rights for LGBT individuals (56% men; 60% women). Most singles also agree that they would vote for a single president (91% men; 90% women); and while 18% of singles don’t have an opinion on a presidential candidate’s gender, of those that do, a vast majority would vote for a female president (87% men; 95% women).
-Whoa, single people are surprisingly not shitty. Maybe it’s that all the single people are more evolved, and they have trouble settling down because so many people out there are primitive idiots. So, all the idiots find each other, and us geniuses are left here feeling like something is wrong with us! Or we just need to work on our hygiene, who knows?

To wrap things up, I’ll leave you with this little tidbit about online daters versus offline daters –

This year we compared data for the online dater with that of the offline dater. It was interesting to see that online daters go on more dates, are more likely to be actively seeking a committed relationship, and are more likely to be employed full-time and are more educated,” said Amarnath Thombre, President of Match North America. “In 20 years, the perception of our category has changed dramatically and it reflects in who uses it today.

I’ve said this a million times, but it bears repeating – if you’re one of those people who still thinks there’s a stigma associated with online dating, you’re hurting nobody but yourself. The rest of us are cruising around in tricked out sports cars, while you’re still on a horse and buggy. But, hey, whatever works for you! Happy dating.