Let’s say you were in the grocery store and a maniac was charging at you with a knife. Now you have no conventional weapons within reach, you only have food at your disposal. What food would you use to defend yourself and hopefully immobilize your attacker? Here are the top 10 weaponized foods that could wreck your attacker and save your life.
Frozen Turkey – Watch how fast your combatant flees as you whip a hard-as-a-rock 20 pound bird in the air with that nifty handle. Now we’re talking turkey. This Thanksgiving Day centerpiece is instantly transformed into an improvised medieval flail-like weapon. You get hit in the head with all that force and frozen gizzards, you’re going to sleep and not because of the tryptophan.
Live Lobsters – While they are absolutely scrumptious, lobsters are kinda like ginormous underwater insects with claws. Maybe your foe has a fear of lobsters and this army of crustacean commandos will scare the shit out of him. Let those little minions do your dirty work for you.
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Can Of Anything – A can of vegetables or soup, they’re not just for food drives and Andy Warhol paintings. They are the perfect weight and size where you could hurl it with seemingly Aroldis Chapman velocity. A flying can would be pretty hard to dodge, and one good can-to-the-noggin throw and your attacker is paralyzed.
Pizza – Scalding pizza cheese can sear your face off because it doesn’t just drip off, it sits there. Enjoy getting skin grafts from those third degree burns from blistering hot mozzarella.
Soup – In yet another example of thermal warfare, you will notice that grocery stores have those soup centers where they have a variety of hearty soups. Grab one of those giant metal bowls, and pretend you’re in medieval times, but instead of dumping oil from the ledge of a castle, you could launch steaming soup at your adversary. I recommend a creamy soup such as New England clam chowder or a split pea, to blind your attacker.
Salami (Or Any Large Stick Of Cured Meat) – Sure processed meats like salami and bologna are linked to heart disease and cancer, but they may actually save your life when you’re able to fight off an assailant with your big stick of salami. Say “not today” as you bludgeon the snot out of your attacker with a luncheon meatsaber.
Rump Roast – This ass could save your ass. Not only does rump roast make for great jerky and a tender stew in the slow cooker, but you could chuck this slab of meat to disable the madman. Beating your meat never felt so satisfying.
Durian – This stinky, spiky popular in Southeast Asia is the perfect weapon if you are attacked while shopping in an Asian grocery store. The durian can grow as large as a foot-long and weigh as much as 7 pounds, making a perfect weapon to throw at your oncoming enemy.
(If you are not in an Asian market, substitute a durian with a pineapple.)
A Big Swordfish – You’re grocery store is going to need to sell whole swordfish, then stab your adversary dead in the heart. If your store doesn’t have a whole swordfish, you’re going to need a very a substantial sized fish. Sorry a fillet or steak will not help you out. Grab that fucker right above the caudal fin and wield it like goddamn nunchucks and knock out with your fierce fish fighting skills.
Cookie Butter – Worst comes to worst, roll a jar of cookie butter towards him. Hopefully he steps on it, falls and breaks his neck. In the event that he evades your rolling jar of deliciousness, there’s a good chance that he stops pursuing you and immediately starts gorging on the cookie butter. Nobody can resist cookie butter.