5 Very Valid Reasons Bacon Is Better Than Your Girlfriend

For the millionth time, she’s gone. She’s not gone forever. She’s gone until she cools down or until your go back, groveling, begging her to forgive you for…honestly, you don’t remember exactly what you did this time, but it was bad enough for her to walk out the door.

But you know who’s still here? You know who’s still hanging around, waiting for you, able to forget all our faults and fallbacks, your mistakes and miscues, and every shortcoming that your girlfriend thinks is keeping you from being the man she needs? Bacon. It will even be whatever you want it to be. For example, have you seen Bacon Jerky from Slim Jim? It’s bacon and jerky and it’s delicious. It’s what you’ve always wanted with no strings attached! Plus it’s portable! Slim Jim Bacon Jerky is 100% real bacon is a convenient go-anywhere, eat-anytime snack. You can’t say the same about your girl. She won’t even role play!

Bacon is always there. Bacon don’t judge. Bacon is ready whenever you’re ready to accept bacon in your life. For every bro, bacon is better than any relationship. Here’s why bacon is better than your girlfriend.

You Never Wake Up To The Smell Of Your Girlfriend

Or maybe you do…but picture this –it’s Sunday morning and the smell of bacon is wafting through the house. You want to sleep off your hangover for at least another six hours but, that smell, damn it you need to get up and have a slice of bacon and probably go back to bed. Why does bacon have such a stranglehold on our olfactory sense?!?

Here’s the best, and most simplified explanation, as to why the smell of cooked bacon has such a stronghold on humans.

The simplified version is this: When you throw bacon in the pan, it undergoes something called the Maillard Reaction, which is what causes foods to turn brown and gives it its flavor. In sizzling bacon, the Maillard reaction is causing sugars to react with amino acids; that reaction, combined with the meat’s melting fats, produces the aroma compounds that make you salivate more than Pavlov’s dog after a bell.

The aroma compounds are around two-thirds hydrocarbons (hydrogen and carbon molecules bonded together in chains) and aldehydes (carbon that bonds with oxygen and hydrogen), some of which produce a delicious smell. But the real powerhouse in bacon’s incredible aroma is the nitrogen-containing compound pyridine. Combine it with hydrocarbons, aldehydes, and other odor compounds, the video says, “and they become the major contributor to bacon-y goodness.”

Bacon cooking on the stove is an incredibly good reason to get out of bed. The same can’t be said for relationships. Especially if you, or your woman, isn’t a morning a person. There’s noting worse than waking up in a bad mood, getting into a fight with your girl, and having it ruin the rest of your day. Did waking up for bacon ever ruin the rest of your day? Probably not, not unless, you’re unable to find more bacon to fill the rest of your day with deliciousness.

Bacon Always Gives You The ‘Feel Goods’

A nice plate of crisp bacon, or heck even a back of Bacon Jerky from Slim Jim, can just make a bro feel like he’s on top of the world. A world where bacon and jerky exist! But why? I mean we know why but how about a “science” answer.

The protein found in bacon is valuable to maintaining healthy energy levels.  Several medical studies have proven that including bacon as part of regular diet naturally works to lower blood pressure and blood sugar levels. Take that, kale!

Is a relationship good for your health? Sure, when it’s going well, but a relationship isn’t going well 100% of the time. According to a 2000 study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, “women who reported moderate to severe marital strain were 2.9 times more likely to need heart surgery, suffer heart attacks or die of heart disease than women without marital stress. Relationships can also have a negative effect on your mental health, which eventually leads to physical issues. A bro can always ease off the bacon but can’t always ease of the drama with his girl.

Bacon Puts You In A Better Mood

Bacon will make a person happy, satisfied and can greatly reduces stress. Eat a couple of strips of bacon and the negative effects of frustration and self-deprivation seem to melt away. Where does all the stress, anger, resentment and ill-will stem from? A RELATIONSHIP!

And I’m not just talking about the issues in your relationship. I’m talking about how you actually feel about your relationship. Much of your resentment for your girlfriend might have nothing to do with her, but instead, what’s become of your relationship. You’ve been stuck in a rut for months and can’t find an escape route. It’s dragging you down mentally and physically. The only thing saving your soul is morning bacon.

Bacon Will Go Anywhere You Want!

Remember how you had to beg your girl to go to Monday Night Football, Comic-Con and a ton of other cool places? She never has to ask twice when she wants to go shopping for clothes or wedding rings but ask her to dress up like a beer wench ONCE for a renaissance faire and suddenly she’s not down with “doing things together.” “Now who’s going to wear this rented wench outfit, my mom?! I already asked and she said no, so you have no choice!”

Bacon also brings many intangibles to the table — it’s portable, goes with any food and is even fun to talk about. Just think of all the nicknames one could use for bacon. Pork heaven, fat back, pig and pork slices are just a few. Hell, Bacon itself is even a name.  You could never use any of those fun terms for your significant other, not that you’d want to, but bacon is much more accepting of cute nicknames than women.

Bacon Can’t Text

We hope that this article has convinced the masses to either never take bacon for granted or take steps to fix your relationship.