Dad Buys Bananas Infested With Spiders That Can Cause A Four Hour Erection, And Spider Boners Are Boners Of The Future

Maria Layton, 43, of Britain, opened a bag of Tesco bananas to discover that they were infested with spiders. Disgusting, right? Not so fast. These spiders have something to offer: a massive hard-on. And I’m intrigued.

Spider Profile:

Name: The Brazilian Wandering Spider aka the Banana Spiders
Nickname: Murderess
Origin: Costa Rica
Characteristics: Aggressive, Venomous
If Bitten, Worst Case: Death in two hours
If Bitten, Best Case: A four hour erection that will transform you into a Sex God.

Maria explains:

“Siri (daughter) asked for a banana. The first banana had a funny bit on it, so I got another one for her and that was when I found the massive spider cocoon.

“There was spider web on the other bananas too. I was so scared – I don’t like spiders at the best of times, but have read about Brazilan Wandering Spiders – and was very frightened about the potential threat to my family.

“The spider cocoon started to unfurl so I put it in a sealed box and put it in the freezer as I read that that is supposed to kill them.”

Maria posted the picture to Tesco’s Facebook page and they responded by instructing Maria to send the wrapper in so they could get the barcode and refund her.

I don’t think Maria has any idea she’s sitting on a winning lottery ticket. If I were a head hauncho at Tesco and someone had the testicular fortitude to call me up and complain about receiving not only the daily serving of potassium, but also a nightly serving of an Excalibur dick, I laugh her off the phone.

I think we all know who the real loser is here. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Via Bristol Post

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.