Blonde Versus Brunette: What Are The Actual Differences?

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I’m sure a lot of feminists out there may be reading this title and thinking to themselves (and their twitter followers) that it’s irresponsible for me to perpetuate such superficial stereotypes among women. To those feminists I say: Yes, it’s irresponsible, but it’s also fun as fuck, and sometimes that’s just more appealing to a writer.

Nowadays it’s hard to find your standard run-of-the-mill blondes and brunettes. I don’t want to pin it on Kylie Jenner (because she’s doesn’t deserve that much credit) but her greyish-bluish-blackish-vomitish hair sparked a huge trend. Now women walk around looking more like cotton candy than humans. I’m going to leave my personal preference out this. Wait—no I’m not. Unless you’re a hair stylist, makeup artist, or a super-creative person why the fuck do you have blue hair? Go back to the Dr. Seuss book you crawled out of and stop trying so hard.

Moving onto the matter at hand: blondes versus brunettes—a tale as old as time. If we really wanted to isolate a moment in history where this debate was at its strongest, I’d have to say that it was the whole Jackie Kennedy versus Marilyn Monroe thing. Both beautiful women in their own right, there’s really no denying that; but the question remains who was more beautiful? To be frank, there’s really no answering that question. It’s like asking “What’s better, pizza or cheeseburgers?” Unless you’re a pussy-vegan-vegetarian the answer is super difficult to make because, ideally, you want both in your mouth. Ditto with Marilyn and Jackie. This debate comes down to personal preference. Point blank. Maybe you like blondes better, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to pass up a perfectly good brunette (and visa-versa).

Now that we’ve got a little history and reasoning under our belts, aside from attractiveness, are blondes and brunettes different on a fundamental level (meaning their personalities and shit)?

Out of sheer observation and media distortion, I’m going to have to say yes they are and here’s how:

Brunettes

Brunettes are more likely to:

  1. Tell you the book was better than the movie
  2. Have a job as a Kindergarten teacher
  3. Wear a baseball hat with their ponytail coming out of the back
  4. Correct your grammar
  5. Wear their hair up in a bun
  6. Hold a grudge for 10 years or longer
  7. Order a beer at bar
  8. Only offer blowjobs on special occasions
  9. Detest Kim Kardashian
  10. Judge you based on the number of sexual partners you’ve had
  11. Understand politics
  12. Pretend to enjoy classical music
  13. Balance a checkbook
  14. Major in English
  15. Wear floral for the entirety of Spring
  16. Read for pleasure
  17. Always carry hand sanitizer
  18. Tell you that Valentine’s Day is a “Hallmark holiday”
  19. Have a big dog (Lab, Golden Retriever, German Shepard)
  20. Think blondes are dumb

 

Blondes

Blondes are more likely to:

  1. Have a high-pitched laugh
  2. Be better at flirting
  3. Know the names of nail polishes just by looking at the bottle
  4. Be the girl your boyfriend cheated on you with
  5. Order a strawberry Frappuccino at Starbucks
  6. Get better tips as waitresses
  7. Wear furry boots at an EDM festival
  8. Cry when they see a puppy/baby (then again I’ve been known to do this a time or two)
  9. Have multiple posters of Marilyn Monroe in their apartment (with quotes like, “it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”)
  10. Pretend they know how to surf
  11. Praise you based on the number of sexual partners you’ve had
  12. Get people to pay for their shit
  13. Have a name ending in “y” (Ashley, Tiffany, Brittany, etc.)
  14. Have a tiny dog (basically a “tea cup” anything)
  15. Think Kim Kardashian isn’t “so bad”
  16. Wear neon with no shame
  17. Avoid political conversations by suggesting its “rude” to talk about
  18. Be a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader
  19. Look better in red lipstick
  20. Think brunettes are snobby

 

Let’s be clear that these are obviously generalizations, not every blonde looks like a porn star when she wears glasses, just most do.

I’m a brunette. Not like super-dark Italian brunette, but just enough to give me a superiority complex about my intelligence. I’ve never been blonde, but have had many blondes friends (like 3), so I will try to be as objective as possible. None of this is based on actual statistic.


[Header image via Shutterstock]