Bro Breakdowns: Lacrosse Players vs. Hockey Players

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Who are the bigger Bros: lacrosse players or hockey players? An impossible question for sure, but that doesn’t mean we can’t breakdown the differences and similarities between these flow-rocking, high-performing suburban legends. We came up with 10 different categories to compare and came up with the ultimate profiles of the ultimate Bros. Sound Off with your own criteria after the jump.

Flow

There’s a consistent debate concerning whose flow is grungier, since there is a direct correlation between locks to laying pipe:

Hockey: Flow in hockey in the early ’90s was all about the mullet, i.e. Jagr. You know he used “Mane N’ Tail” to wax that poetic mass of hair. Best American-born hair during that decade: Mike Flowdano. Today, a little more spinach-type flow is the norm, mixed greens perhaps.

Lacrosse: Iceberg lettuce, well-maintained and cropped. Flow coming out the back of a Gait Identity looks better than from the puck player’s Reebok 9k. See also: The 2015 College Lacrosse All Flow Team — By Division

Swagger

Swagga, swagga like us. Who is campus king? This is definitely location based: Lacrosse dominates the East Coast, while Hockey skates in the North/Great Lakes region:

Hockey: Check out the “Sauce Hockey” video.

Lacrosse: Lacrosse may be 90 percent swagger (with a strong mix of flow in there). The lax Bro walks at a slower pace across campus, making sure not to scuff up his Air Triax 91s, and is always aware of his lax status.

Smarts

We’re not talking about academics here. It’s all about who knows their game inside and out. Since this varies, we have to go head to head with two characters.

Hockey: Legend has it that Wayne Gretzky used to coordinate with professional pool players (those pervert-looking fellows who dominate ESPN19 at 3 a.m.) to figure out the exact angle a puck would bounce off the boards. True? Maybe, but either way that’s legit.

Lacrosse: Case in point: Quint Kessenich. First of all, this guy literally gets a chub preparing for games like Duke vs. UVa. He knows everything about every single player (including their dogs’ names), and absolutely has a lacrosse stick fetish.

Golf

Both of these sports call for some relaxation, mainly through the links.

Hockey: Check this Ovechkin video: dude is packing a gagger and absolutely shuts down that hole.

Lacrosse: With his country club credentials, a laxer is just as comfortable with the fairway under his spikes as the field under his cleats.

Clothing

Having a number on a sweatshirt in class might as well be a license to take down most of the female side of campus.

Hockey: Easton Sweatsuits for most of the day and then jeans and a button-down for the night. Check out Patrick Kane: he conquers ass with ease.

Lacrosse: In-house lacrosse consultant the Chaytrix never leaves home without his pole, Nike half-calves, and some sort of pastel. He posts up outside the office writing poetry about Paul Rabil and has Long Island Lizard season tickets.

Pre-College Background

Where were these Bros bred? Who drove them to 5 a.m. practices or paid for their underage drinking tickets?

Hockey: Hockey players are usually cultivated in the North, at elite hockey schools (read: factories like Shattuck-St. Mary’s), where they are then shipped off to the USHL (if going NCAA), or the Canadian Hockey League (to bag puck sl*ts and take a shot at the NHL). By the time they’re in class with you, they are usually 22-year-old freshmen.

Lacrosse: Two letters: P.G. “Post Grad” years have groomed some of the most elite laxers across the country. Blew a few too many trees and skipped on grades? Go to a top-notch boarding school, rip the duck, get scholarship to D-I team.

Careers

After all the workouts, games, and well-coordinated slayings, where do they end up?

Hockey: The pro leagues actually pay enough to serve as the only job. Players scatter around various leagues, where they continue to live the dream.

Lacrosse: MLL mixed with some finance job. The lax brotherhood has a deep under world: Goldman trader by day, MLL monster by night. Like Batman, he wears eye-black and stalks Murray Hill’s poon-filled watering holes.

Partying

Off the field and rink, how do these Bros let loose?

Hockey: Rage in the woods, toss kegs at a tree, get arrested: Staal Brothers Boozin.

Lacrosse: Laxers can decide to throw a party at 2 a.m. on Monday night and still get half of the girls across campus to attend.