Bros In The Know: Mitt Romney’s 2016 Presidential Prospects

Bros In The Know is a weekly column from BroBible which highlights a national or international issue that may not be the most exciting topic to cover, but is still important to be informed about. Today: Mitt Romney entering the 2016 presidential election. If you have a matter you would like to see covered by Bros In The Know, email me at

American white person Mitt Romney, seen above enthusiastically endorsing a new probiotic supplement pill and yogurt combination he tried for the first time this morning, is in the news this week.

Why? Well, the man who got completely whipped* by Barack Obama in 2012 while also embarrassing himself repeatedly in the process wants to do it again.

*Despite the relative closeness of the election portrayed by the media (who were thoroughly invested in making it seem up-in-the-air), the race was never really in doubt. 

That’s right! Milt 2016! Good for him for embracing that age-old adage: If at first you don’t succeed and you are a billionaire several times over, try, try to run for president again. We thoroughly endorse that behavior. A silver-spooned doggedness is a doggedness nonetheless.

Here’s the Washington Post on the likelihood Malt will enter the race, in case you want to get your news from news sources and I don’t know, say… me, whose next post after this is going to be a video of an elephant trying to fuck a car. (Stay tuned here. It’s really good. An elephant tries to fuck a car.)

Mitt Romney is moving quickly to reassemble his national political network, calling former aides, donors and other supporters over the weekend and on Monday in a concerted push to signal his seriousness about possibly launching a 2016 presidential campaign.

Romney’s activity indicates that his declaration of interest Friday to a group of 30 donors in New York was more than the release of a trial balloon. Instead, it was the start of a deliberate effort by the 2012 nominee to carve out space for himself in an emerging 2016 field also likely to include former Florida governor Jeb Bush, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker.

Whoop whoop! Mint wants to etch his name alongside other perpetual presidential candidates, loser dudes with loser names like Adlai Stevenson and Thomas Dewey and William Jennings Bryant. A name like Mitt Romney belongs right up there with the best of the worst. The never elects, we could call them. Because like hell Mirt is gonna win the damn presidency. That’s for certain. Only one candidate has ever lost a national presidential election and gone on to win the presidency (since the advent of the Republican Party; I didn’t bother to check pre-1856).

Richard Nixon lost in 1960 to John F. Kennedy (bet ol’ Trick Dick let out a HUGE exhale in November of ’63) and then sat out the post-assassination mess that was the ’64 election. Lest you forget how fucked up a year that was, the sitting president, Lyndon Johnson, chose not to run, replaced on the Democratic ticket by the luminous Hubert Humphrey. Hubert Humphrey. That’s a viable name for a president in the way that a dog is a viable candidate for president. Sure, you could see the dog barking around the Oval Office, but you can’t like imagine it or Hubert actually leading productive peace talks in the Middle East. So, you don’t vote for the dog and no one voted for poor Humphrey. Nixon then won in 1968.

Anyway, all this is presupposing that Muffed Romney even wins the Republican Primary, which he won’t.

It’s easy to forget, but in 2012, Mernt’s challengers were all trash, in that they were literal pieces of garbage wafting about the debate stage. Okay, they were actual people, and not the detritus of people, but his top contenders were Rick Santorum, who genuinely believes gays should be interned in work camps; Newt Gingrich, who chokes prostitutes to death after they have sex so he doesn’t have to pay them (not gonna contribute to the welfare state, he says with glee as he nakedly asphyxiates the woman he just slept with); Ron Paul, who looks like a dead Rowlf the Dog; and Rick Perry, who knows how to neither count nor read.

It was always gonna be Moat, no matter what. He was the safest, whitest person possible, and really, all the Republicans wanted to do was not give a crazy person a national stage. 2012 was about position for 2014 and 2016, which is why no one worth a shit got into the race.

Of course, given a national platform, Murp still almost managed to sink the entire party. He wrote off half the nation as worthless beggars, demeaned women and somehow managed to piss off the only unflappable and ardent ally America has.

So, like, yea.

Sure, he’s older and wiser and more experienced, but that’s a lot of baggage. Plus, he’s a loser. He lost. And now he’s going to go up against the people who had brains enough not to run against an incumbent president because you can’t beat an incumbent president. There’s Jeb Bush, who is his biggest hurdle. But Scott Walker presents a challenge to Romney picking up votes in the Midwest, and Chris Christie could fight him in the Northeast, and basically, there’s no chance of Mork getting out of it alive.

Really, all he can do is slug it out on the primary trail for months and force more popular candidates to twist and hurdle and turn and basically make them dance the way all the nutbags made him abandon all his values back in 2012. Which sounds like fun.

How great would it be if he was running just to fuck with the process?

But no, that is not the case. He’s running because rich, white men always want what they can’t have, and since there’s no chance in hell Mart will win the White House, there’s no way he won’t blow all his money and lose all his pride trying to get it.

Should be fun!