This is the stuff Legends are made of.
We’ve all been these bros. We’ve all had a friend, who I’ll call Judas for example sake, who dumps all of his free time into his potential soul mate while we continue the slippery slope of bro-drinking until our liver says “mercy.” Not kidding though, I once heard my liver literally say “mercy.” In the english language. Not a doctor, but pretty sure most livers are incapable of speaking. Not mine.
Anyway, a part of us is happy that he’s “maturing” and that he’s experiencing the all-encompassing power of true love, but fuck bro, this skunked keg of Natty Ice isn’t going to finish itself. QUIT BEING FUCKING SELFISH, YOU WERE OURS LONG BEFORE YOU WERE HERS!
I’m not bitter at all about being 28 years old and the only one in my friend group who hasn’t found love. No, really, I’m not. Why not? Tinder. Instant sex without having to struggle through an episode Orange is the New Black. All play, no work. The way life should be.
Anyway, shut the fuck up, Matt, and bring them the real story. Sorry bros for rambling. I’m fucking lonely.
According to our friends across the pond at LADbible, a group of around 50 English “lads” staged a surprise mock funeral at a local bar for their friend named Keiran Cable who recently entered into a relationship.
The event was complete with a coffin bearing Keiran’s initials, dapper attire, Order of Service leaflets, football song ‘hymns’, a hearse, even a priest.
Says a funeral goer,
A couple of weeks ago we were all in the pub and we all started saying RIP Keiran so we decided if he wasn’t going to come out with us and was going to pretend he was dead then we’d organise a funeral for him.
The hearse drove the coffin from bar to bar with a group of bros following behind. The roads were also blocked off out of respect for the dead.
The leaflet read:
Thoughts are with friends of Keiran at this dark time. However they shouldn’t grieve for him but wish him luck as he continues on in his next life. Keiran has had a tough 18 months trying to keep his friendship with his friends alive but sadly the wait is now over and has floated up to the gates of heaven. What hurts the most is that we were starved of precious time to say out last goodbyes after his relationship status was changed from ‘Single’ to ‘in a Relationship’. It is now time for us to finally say our last goodbyes by raising a glass for our friend Keiran.
Keiran rose from the dead and made an appearance at the bar, only to be completely shocked by the grandiose event.
His spirits were high:
As soon as I walked into the pub I was met by about 50 boys all suited up and cheering. I was in complete shock and didn’t know what to do or say. My cheeks were aching from smiling so much. The boys made a massive effort and it was definitely a day to remember.
If these bros ever venture into the States, I will buy all 50 of them beers all night for this legendary stunt. We gotta pour one out for our fallen buddy, Keiran, though. RIP brotha. You’ll be missed.