These 9 Burglars Got Caught Masturbating Mid-Burgle

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The ‘what the fuck’-ery on this fucking piece is astounding.

When I go looking for weird stories it’s usually triggered by some bit of information I run across via the web, news or my personal life. In this case, the brilliant little nugget that triggered what will soon follow was the word ‘Goldilocks.’

You know the story. A young white girl (old white woman in the original tale) breaks into a home inhabited by three bears, eats their food, sleeps in their beds ‘n’ shit. When discovered she dips, never to be seen again.

For the police a ‘Goldilocks’ is a perp that invades a home and inhabits without permission. And, yes, this happens enough so that police actually have a name for it. In these cases though, the perps ain’t there to eat. They’re there to beat. Especially if they’re in Florida.

Dick out on the deck

Imagine being in your apartment, chillin’ on your couch only to look out your window and see a guy with this dick out, working it like a ketchup bottle at Yankee Stadium. That’s what happened to a woman in Pennsylvania when Angel Soarez Medero climbed up onto her second story deck. She freaked out and peaced out just before Medero broke into her home, stole one of her dogs and then jumped back off the deck.

As if all that wasn’t bizarre enough, Medero then went on to break into a neighbor’s apartment and attack the resident. This time, however, Medero ate two bullets before being caught by police. I’ll bet cash money that that was the most hilarious surgical procedure in the history of that hospital as they worked on that guy.

At a fucking elementary school

Of all the fucked up places to get caught ‘buffing the bishop’ in, an elementary school is probably tops on the list. The 15 year old thief actually broke in twice. Both times he ransacked the place for money, stripped, then masturbated and performed other sexual behaviors. They don’t say what behaviors they were, but for the first time in the history of the internet I, honestly, don’t want to know.

He would have gotten away with it if not for that meddling dick

This guy…this fucking guy in England broke into a home to steal some alcohol and an iPod. But I’m kinda thinkin’ those were afterthoughts because he also left a video of himself masturbating on the camera, then left the camera where it could be found. I’m tellin’ you this freaky fucker just wanted the chick that lived there to see his dick. Sad when he could have just Snapchatted a dick pic and got in waaaay less trouble. Instead, the homeowner recognized the amateur pornstar and a 21 year old man was arrested soon after.


Florida: Part 1

Jason Lee Vickery is probably the oddest dude on this list (but certainly not for Florida). He broke into a home to masturbate. But he got distracted by a remote control helicopter and played with it until the batteries died first. Then he ate a salad he’d brought with him to give him the energy to ‘cuff the carrot.’ Police arrested him only to find that he had also brought marijuana, drug paraphernalia, a towel and a wig.

Breaking Bear

Paul Mountain was coming down off of an amphetamine when he happened upon a shed that needed ransacking and a teddy bear that required ‘special attention.’ The next day the owner saw the destruction and submitted the bear to police. Inside the bear they found Paul’s DNA as, it seems, he’d been ‘brushing up on his typing skills’ using the bear. Amphetamines are a hell of a drug.

Florida: Part 2

Gregory Matthew Bruni is a hot fucking mess. He, naked, made noise on a roof until the homeowner came outside to investigate. Then he knocked the guy down and ran into the house where he:

Defecated near the front door.

Knocked a wet/dry vacuum over, spilling its contents.

Broke a 72-inch tv trying to pull it off the wall.

Evaded getting shot by the homeowner.

‘Painted the pickle’ in the living room.

Defecated in the hallway.

Ran to the son’s room and rubbed his face in his clothes.

Sucked water from the spilled vacuum and spit it out.

The homeowner subdued Bruni with a shotgun until police had to show up and taser his crazy, naked ass. I gave you the TL;DR version of this, but you really should read the whole article. It’s damned hilarious.

Bam Margera’s treehouse roommate

Not all of these perpetrators are dudes though. Bam Margera had some random chick break into his house and ‘flick the bean’ on his bedroom floor. After she was arrested police informed him that the chick had actually been living in his treehouse from an episode of ‘Viva La Bam’ for weeks. At some point she’d also shown up at Bam’s parents’ house with luggage saying she had moved there from Florida (Florida again??!) in order to marry their son. *shudder* Speaking of Florida…

Florida: Part 3

Howard Black tried to break into a woman’s home while naked. He failed in every single way imaginable. So how does a guy make himself feel better after a systematic series of failures? He ‘punished percy’ using a seat cushion. The owner called police after reviewing her surveillance tapes. When police asked Howard about his activities he said the most amazing thing ever: ‘I don’t really want to get into it.’ They got his ass into jail shortly thereafter.

The champion (photo at top)

If ever there was an overachiever in this bunch it’s William Michael Martin. He got caught because he broke into a hospital through a roof entrance, stole some master keys and roamed the place stealing photographs and ‘hosing down the driveway.’ Before then he’d stolen women’s panties from laundromats in three other cities. He’d also arranged pornographic pictures next to the piles of panties he’d stolen. Police even said he’d admitted to a bunch of stuff they wouldn’t share. Damn. His title is well-earned.