I don’t think there’s one person reading this that disagrees with the universal truth that people look better when they’re tanned. I’d give you a dry handjob to trade skin suits with Mario Lopez. I genuinely mean that, bro. I’m as straight as a 100-yard dash but if presented the option by a greater force, I’d give you a platonic tug. I’ve got 15 years experience and have practiced twice today. You’re in good hand.
Anyhoo–I’m going to take a shower and never think about that again. Put your dick away dude. It was a hypothetical.
K, I’m back to bring you the story about this chick who rolled back the clock on gender rights by doing something that would make even Lena Dunham be like “WTF?” She painted herself in self-tanner with a paint roller. I’m not sure if she was on some sort of Class D drug or saw this girly tip on Pinterest, but it’s truly astonishing.
What makes it so baffling is that she needed to cover her ENTIRE body to realized she looked like a sitting duck in the Gulf during the BP oil spill. The thing about spray tans is that if they aren’t perfect, they aren’t worth it. It’s either “Damn, Karen looks good with that healthy glow” or “Yo dude did Karen get bukkakied by the Keebler Elves or something?” There is no middle ground.
But I understand failed endeavors–I’ve certainly had a few. What I don’t understand is why she took to social media to post about it. This is honestly worse than if she posted a picture of her dump after eating Chipotle. Not 2011 Chipotle though, the 2016 E. Coli Chipotle.
I’m having trouble thinking of what kind of person would do something like that. Can anyone help? How bout you black Robert Downey, Jr…