This Chick Attempts To Prove That No Man Is ‘Too Big’ For A Condom, But Her Argument Has Holes

Condoms may be the most antiquated thing we use in modern day society. The fact that the only practical, safe way to protect against your dick falling off is to literally prohibit it from touching a vagina is flat out pathetic. Unacceptable to be honest. Really makes you question what dick doctors have been doing all this time.

So it’s understandable, albeit irresponsible, why bros are turned off by the prospect of wearing a cock sock. Hell, sometimes I think I’d rather have my mom filming in the corner of the room if it allows me to ditch the raincoat. And I’ve been guilty of making the excuse “It’s too big to wear one.” Her and I both know that’s the biggest lie I’ve said since I told my grandmother I liked the knitted snowflake mittens she gave me. I have a 0% success rate with that.

And this chick made sure it stays that way. By sticking her entire forearm in a rubber.

Well played, young lady. But any man can tell you that fitting into a pecker poncho is not the issue. The issue is thrusting into a woman’s silk igloo without it feeling something like this:

Thrusting in a jimmy cap sometimes causes the tip of our beef thermometers to bunch up like a goddamn accordion, losing all sensation in the process. When it’s all said and done, our pork sword ends up looking like this:

I think the moral of the story here is just because you can “fit” in something, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s sustainable.

And just to clear the air here, I’m not advocating against wearing condoms. Although I hate them with the passion of 1,000 burning suns, I don’t hate them as much as my penis feeling like 1,000 burning suns. Or a child. I’m simply pointing out that as a society, we can no longer accept that condoms are the best method of prevention. We’ve landed on the fucking moon and we’re still putting plastic bags over our dicks as a preventative method. If I were to run for President, that would be my first order of business. My campaign slogan would be “Condoms: The Ultimate Cockblock.” I’d also be cool if you guys did drugs and shit. Keohan ’16.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.