I don’t eat a lot of snack food, but right now on my desk is a bowl filled with Cool Ranch Doritos. My co-worker had opened a big bag, and I asked him to share some with me, for I had not had Cool Ranch Doritos in quite some time.
These chips on my table will go unconsumed, for a simple fact: Cool Ranch Doritos are fucking disgusting. And they are, without a doubt, vastly inferior to Nacho Cheese Doritos.
Nacho Cheese Doritos taste like something. They taste like nacho cheese. Cool Ranch is a chemically-amalgamated flavor. The chips taste not like ranch, nor like cool, but rather the tingling sensation one gets, not pleasurably I might add, the first time they accidentally touch a tooth with a filling to aluminum foil.
It is not a pleasurable sensation. The only reason people tout Cool Ranch Doritos is because they have been indoctrinated into its cult, into a 1990s un-reality were buzzwords still carry weight. It says cool, right there on the bag, so it must be cool. I am eating them, therefore, I too am cool.
How can you succumb to this, when the product inside the packaging tastes like Tositos Hint of Lime chips dipped in unleaded gasoline?
I don’t see how there’s an argument here. The only people who prefer Cool Ranch Doritos are potheads who are baked to a point where they aren’t certain their taste buds even exist. You would not take these doofuses to a fine-dining establishment in a state like this. Why would you trust their opinion on Cool Ranch Doritos?
Plus, Nacho Cheese Doritos go well with salsa.