When you gotta go ya gotta go, unless going means that you’ll immediately get charged by police while in their custody because the dump you took consisted entirely of little bundles of cocaine. In that case you shouldn’t go. In fact, try your best to be like David Akande, 26, who managed to plug up his butthole for an impressive 21 days after being arrested by police, then take it even further and go for an entire month. In the grand scheme of things, what’s one month of not pooping when compared to seven years in jail? According to Mirror,
David Akande managed to hold out for a staggering 21 days after he was arrested by police who were convinced he had drugs stashed on him when they stopped him in October last year.
Akande, 26, was taken into custody but refused to co-operate with a full body search so officers watched him day in, day out in the hope he would reveal his haul.
Despite showing remarkable perseverance, Kent Police used powers to extend custody well beyond the usual period allowed, and eventually their patience was rewarded when 24 wraps were recovered.
The drugs included cocaine, a cocaine cutting agent and traces of a heroin derivative.
Sure that sucks for Akande, but take a second and imagine that you’re one of the cops whose duty it was to watch him in case he decided to take a dump. You’re sitting outside his cell, staring at this dude chilling on his bunk when a fellow officer walks by. “What’s up Matt?” says the fellow officer, because in this scenario your name is Matt and idgaf if you don’t like it.
“Oh nothing, just waiting for this guy to take a dump so I can rummage through his poo and look for drugs.”
“….well good luck with that” says your fellow officer, who then scurries out the door in a rush because who wants to watch someone dig through poop? Akande might have been diligent, but who isn’t when your options are either constipate yourself or go to jail?
Akande was convicted by a jury and jailed for seven years on April 27th.