Donald Trump Makes America His Most Amazing Promise Yet, Will Give Us A First Lady Who Doesn’t Poo Or Fart


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America’s first ladies, as iconic as the men they married, are our nation’s dignified soft power, spellbindingly beautiful and charming, unofficial diplomats who use their wit, position, and influence to shape the world just as much as their husbands do with all this country’s military might.

Only problem is they take massive dumps. Laura Bush, behind that broad smile, had a colon that wouldn’t quit. Rosalynn Carter stunk up the East Wing on a daily basis, so much so that members of the Carter administration wore masks whenever they went to the residency. Eleanor Roosevelt’s shits were so big, they required a plumbing upgrade for the White House, the pipes of Mary Todd Lincoln and Edith Wilson incapable of handling the bombs Ellie sent out her ass.

Undignified, if you ask me.

That won’t be a problem, though, if we elect Donald Trump. Because his wife neither shits nor toots. At least according to an interview with Howard Stern back in the day. The wonderful blog Death and Taxes unearthed audio from a show in 2003 where Trump claimed his then girlfriend, now wife, Melania, never let anything go out of her ass.

Here’s the transcript, also from D and T:

Trump: Howard let me just ask you. You said something a while ago about Beth that amazed me because it applies to Melania. You said you’ve never seen her do anything, like, bad, in terms of her own personal.

Trump: No, no, not even that. You said you’ve never heard her fart.

Stern: Well, how bout this–

Trump: Is that true?

Stern: Not only is that true…

Trump: Isn’t that amazing? In years, three and a half years he’s never… Wow.

Stern: Not only is that true, she doesn’t make doody. She hasn’t made doody…

Robin: Never?

Stern: Like four times maybe.

Trump: In three years?

Stern: In three years.

Trump: Wow.

Stern: You think I’m kidding.

Trump: I can say the exact same thing about Melania.

Stern: And she never makes a doody.

Trump: I’ve never seen any of that.

Stern: Wow.

Trump: It’s amazing.

Amazing indeed, and if that doesn’t make America great again, nothing will. You can watch the interview below.

[Via Death and Taxes]