National Sex Magazine Posts Nine Dudes’ Tips For Doing Her Good, And Hot Dang Us Guys Don’t Know Dick About Sex

Esquire Magazine is one of the national records of man’s manly masculinity, so you’d assume that if they published an article titled “9 Guys Reveal Their Ultimate Sex Moves,” you’d think they’d have, idk, maybe found nine guys who know how to fuck, or, if they couldn’t have found nine guys who know how to fuck, you know, not published the post.

So given that, it’s only safe to assume that this is the nine best sex moves all the men in America have to offer. They’ve gotta be something utterly outstanding. Like how to perform inverted oral sex in the eye of a Category 5 cyclone (The Her-i-Came as I like to call it) or some other dank shit.

You know, the real ish.

You wanna see the best they got? Let’s start with Jon.

“Does oral sex count as a move? I think I’m good at going down on women so I just do that … a lot.” —Jon, 24

Jon. Jon. Jon. Let’s replace the phrase “going down on women” with “playing the recorder.”

“I think I’m good at playing the record, so I just do that … a lot.”

In what world would your own belief in your abilities, which you admit you’re uncertain of at best, make you think that the solution to your un-unique and mediocre talent is to do that thing more?

Imagine being in a room with someone who thought they were good at playing the recorder. So they played it a lot.

That is what women experience when you oral sex them.

Okay, on to Chris.

“I like to tease them. I pull my penis all the way out and make them beg for it.” —Chris, 30

Admittedly, teasing is hot in a great number of situations, and hovering is an underrated move, but “I like to make the beg for it?” I guarantee that this consists of you asking them to beg for it, because that gets you off, not them, which they begrudgingly oblige because explaining how offputting your misplaced confidence in your cock is is a lot harder than having you finish as quickly as possible and leaving.

Asking someone to do something is not making them do something.

“I think women like a little anal stimulation when you’re going down on them or having sex.” —Shaun, 23

Good idea for “your move,” if you want your move to consist of doing something sex magazines have told everyone to do over the past few years? Oh, my secret extra special recipe for mac and cheese? It’s the top hit on the Food Network. Didn’t change anything. Makes ’em go crazy though.

Guys? Anything.

“This is going to sound so creepy but I swear it isn’t. I have a little sex drawer next to my bed. It just has a few things in there, like condoms and stuff. I also have a tiny vibrator in there that, uh … somehow fell into my possession over the years … Don’t worry, I washed it. I like to pull that out when she’s on top.” —Gregg, 24

I think that sums that one up nicely.

“I like to go really, really slowly when I eat a girl out. —Craig, 28

Your move is to make them orgasm through sheer boredom?

Okay. Come on. There’s gotta be one dude here who knows what he’s doing?

“I don’t know if this is a move. It’s more of a position. But foolproof, for me, to make a girl come is her on top, and I’m against the headboard so I can suck on her nipples and play with her butt at the same time while she rides me. I don’t think I invented it or anything, but it always works for me.” —Tyler, 25

First off, shout out to Tyler, who doesn’t think he “invented or anything” literally the third sex position humans ever tried. That’s going out on a limb.

Secondly, “I like to put my mouth on her boobs.”

That’s it. That’s the best our gender’s got.

But if you want my thoughts, there’s one ULTIMATE sex move you need in your repertoire, and I shit you not it will work EVERY time.

Don’t have a move and just ask her what she wants and or needs to get off and then perform that task. Don’t go jamming your ex-girlfriend’s dildos into her pelvic bone, or massaging her asshole without being sure she wants you to, or, for god’s sake, gradually and pathetically lapping at her vagina like you’re a 15-year-old dying coon hound without the ability to stand up anymore trying to get a couple of sips of water.

Just. Ask.

Also, perform some oral sex on the outside of her underwear. Works like a charm.

[H/T @rachelmillman]