Welcome to another edition of Ask A Bro, the only column that will answer the tough questions. And if I don’t have the answer, I’ll just get you drunk enough that you’ll forget your issues at least for a little while.
This week, we’ll talk about vacations with exes, grad students on Spring Break, the boredom of your mid-20s and people with psychiatric issues. Don’t forget to check out the archives and submit your questions for the bro here.
Now onto the questions….
Q: Just broke up with my girl of 2 years. We had a trip planned to Hawaii next month together. She’s a travel director so she gets to go to all these exotic places to. She booked my flight with her miles, so she can’t get them back. Do I take the vacation?
A: The answer is 100% yes if you want her back and 100% yes if you don’t want her back. Unless she cheated on you or murdered your dog or cheated on you with your dog there’s no reason not to take the trip. If the break-up was civilized there’s no reason to think the trip won’t be at least a little fun. The trip will either spark back up the flames or make you both realize “yeah, we’re done here. ”
Now, here’s some things you SHOULDN’T do on the trip no matter if you want her back or want to be single —
- don’t beg her to get back together every five seconds
- don’t land and blow her off the entire trip
- don’t hook up with someone else (unless she does it first)
- don’t get blackout drunk and make an ass of yourself
- don’t make any stupid jokes involving the word lei
That last bullet point is the most important. Just fucking don’t….
Q: I don’t know if this is a common occurrence, but I feel as a graduate student I’m doing the same thing every weekend (bars with the same group, occasionally get lucky and bring a girl back, and generally just doing the same thing over and over every weekend). What’s the best way for a bro to get out of a rut and start having more exciting experiences?
A: Do this — go to Google right now. Type in “How do I” and just do the first thing it suggests. My search says “How Do I Get Home?” So now try and get home a different way tonight. I’ve never taken a city bus. I’m going to take the bus. I’ve got no idea where a bus stop is or how to actually get to my house via bus, but fuck it, I’m not an idiot. See what I’m getting at?
Maybe stop emailing an advice column and go live your life? The years between 22-30 are often wasted. You’ve got so much time, possibly a little money, and zero responsibilities. Go learn something. Travel somewhere. Take up a hobby. Do something. No one ever says “wow, I’m really glad I spent every weekend in a bar” unless that person ends up owning a bar.
If you need me, I’ll be circling the city for hours…
Q: I met this girl on the first day of class. We talked and became friends. Not once had I ever thought about being involved with her in any way at all, because she had become one of my closest friends. She is a nice person, good friend, but I personally I just would prefer to keep it in the pants if you know what i mean.
She has a habit of getting heavily drunk and then texting all of her friends asking why no one loves her, why everyone hates her, that sort of thing. Needless to say, we are concerned about her, but hate the fact that she gets drunk and depressed so often and brings us all in to it.
During the most recent night-long experience of babysitting her drunk ass in her room, she told me and my roommate (who is one of my main bros) that she liked me and in turn wanted to know if I liked her back. This was a true pickle. I distracted her by taking a shot myself just to avoid answering the question.
Long story short, I want to keep her in the friendzone, but due to the fact that i didn’t want her to become depressed over the fact that I don’t have the same feelings. How do I fix this shit?
A: This is a tough situation. A situation best resolved by a counselor. I’m not talking about your question, I mean your friends issues. Those drunken ramblings of being unloved and hated are scratching the surface of something troubling. Seriously, she’s got issues. Issues booze aren’t helping.
When she’s stone sober, tell her to get help. Either one of these two things will happen — she’ll take your advice and get help or get incredibly offended and never talk to you again. If she gets help, you did good. If she never talks to you again, whelp, you tried, it’s not your drama anymore.
College isn’t a great four years for everybody. Don’t spend all four of yours being a shoulder to cry on.
Q: I need your help. I am 24 college graduate. I am lucky enough to work for a college football team. As result we have spring break. When in college I never experienced a spring break. (Too expensive) Would it be weird to go now? If I went it would be solo. (all of my buddies work and can’t take off) I was thinking Panama City. Your advice is appreciated. If any of the bros in the office want to join let me know.
A: Weird why? You’re 24, not 44. Even if you’re 44, screw it. There’s a ton of old bros on spring break. The only weird thing is you just asked a bunch of strangers to go on a vacation with you. Slightly aggressive, pal.
That said, Panama City is a little TOO Spring Break. It’s predictable. It’s played out. It’s the top answer on a Family Feud question like “where’s the first place your daughter took it in the brown eye?” Choose from someplace on this list.
I’ll be spring breaking on a city bus. Hopefully it stops somewhere warm.
Got a question for the resident bro? Submit questions here, email Chris directly at chris.illuminati [@] wovendigital [dot] com or if it’s under 140 characters, hit Chris up on Twitter @chrisilluminati.