Have You Ever Farted A Fart So Rank That An Entire Classroom Of People Had To Evacuate? Because This Kid Has
This might sound like a plot point to an Adam Sandler movie but I swear it’s not…you could totally picture it though. The movie would be a sequel to Billy Madison and in the middle of class Billy would let out a series of farts so bad that the school administrators think there’s a gas leak and have to evacuate everyone. That would be the whole movie though; 90 minutes of Adam Sandler’s farts and a bunch of kids passing out from the stench.
Would I pay to see that? No. But would someone? Definitely.
So if you’re reading this Sandler, here’s the basic plot of your upcoming movie which I’m assuming will be titled something along the lines of Billy Madison 2: Whoever Smelt it, Dealt it as written by Reddit user ohmygodthesmell, except this person lived through it because he/she was the one letting poisonous farts out into the classroom.
Fuckup #1 A little while before class I’d eaten something that did not sit well with me.. my stomach was hurting pretty badly, but I was a good student, so I decided to go to class anyway.
The first half 30 minutes of the class went fine, but I was slowly getting a building feeling somewhere between needing to shit myself and needing to fart. Not wanting to miss class, I decided I could just hold it until the end of class. I felt the unavoidable fart building inside of me and prayed that I would be able to release it without anybody hearing me.
My execution was flawless. I kept my pucker just tight enough to not shit myself or make a loud farting noise, but loose enough that my fart could escape. A socially awkward situation was successfully avoided.
But the smell… oh my god, it was terrible. People around me starting asking what the hell the smell was and making accusatory remarks. Fortunately I had enough awareness of my limited social capital and the “who smelt it dealt it” rule to not be the first to say something, but I also didn’t want to stand out for not saying anything, so I soon joined in on the accusations. And frankly, the smell was entirely gag-worthy. To this day I’ve never smelt anything so bad.
But joining in on the “oh my god who’s doing that please stop/leave the room” turned out to be fuckup #2. Because the farts just kept on coming. The unending tension and pucker control required to quietly continue the controlled fart release was nerve wracking. One miscalculation and I’d have shit everywhere or make a noise lough enough everyone could hear it and I would no longer be able to deny it.
But now I was completely committed to the situation. There was no backing out, no leaving the room discreetly. If I left the room, everyone would know it was me. Not to mention the difficulty of standing without shitting myself.
By this point, enough noxious fumes were released that quite literally the entire room was gagging. The teacher opened the windows at the back of the room, the doors at the front of the room, and my classmates began to refuse to remain in the room and started to stand out in the hallway. It was that bad. If it weren’t for my need to focus on keeping my internal situation under control, I would have joined them.
Eventually, my poor math teacher gave up and ended class. Everyone was so distracted by the smell that there was just no point trying to continue.
I’d released enough gas that it had become impossible to tell who/where the epicenter was. I, like everyone else, cleared out of the room, and no one noticed my carefully clenched ass slink away to the bathroom to release my inner kakatoa. My secret has remained safe to this day.
If this actually gets made into a movie (which I’m guessing it has a 50/50 shot), I demand at least 10% of royalties for pointing it out to everyone and at the very least calling it as an Adam Sandler movie.