Eating a full meal on a first date is always awkward and I don’t recommend it — you’re getting to know the person while simultaneously trying to impress them. Silently monitoring when the happy hour half price apps window ends while gaging your own breath just adds even more pressure to this easily combustible affair.
However, if you must coat your stomach before chugging one too many drinks or feel like having a more conventional dinner date to showcase your eligibility as a blue ribbon mate like a prize bull at the state fair, then avoid these (otherwise delicious) dishes.
Wings/ribs
As you tenderly and sensuously remove meat from bones like a carnal metaphor, your face and shirt will probably also get covered in sweet, sweet juices. Exclusively eat ribs or wings with people who won’t care that your napkins are sopping up a barbecue murder scene.
Chili
Remember that iconic scene from Blazing Saddles where the cowboys are sitting around the campfire, eating beans and farting? Yeah, skip the chili.
Fish
Fish is delicious, low in calories and has plenty of those “good fats” that are supposedly great in theory but I don’t trust anything that has the word “fat” in it. Unfortunately fish smells like, well, fish. And even the ever-present altoids in your blazer pocket can’t amend all of a seabass-infused goodnight kiss.
Indian/Spicy foods
If you both love Indian food, great. You’re golden. However, not everyone can stomach spicy or foreign foods, and you don’t want your date feigning love of a particular dish to impress you only to run to the restroom with IBS later. Same goes for you, learn to know when to put your foot down or at least keep the palate neutral and friendly.
Italian garlic bread, pastas with ample sauce
Aside from taking your date to unlimited soup and salad at the Olive Garden (please someone take me for the anecdote alone), you shouldn’t be hitting up an Italian place on your first rendezvous. Half the point of going to those places is overeating the garlic bread at the beginning and slurping down pasta with plenty of sauce. Don’t disrupt the sanctity with an orderly and polite meal that doesn’t end in a carb-laden food coma.
Chipotle
Dude, no. Threats of norovirus aside, slamming down a few of Chipotle’s house made margaritas along with a burrito bowl sounds like heaven in theory but no bueno in the first date meal department.
Lobster, no. Oysters, yes.
On the other end of the Chipotle spectrum, if you’re considering taking your date out to a nice seafood dinner like the badass you are — please don’t opt for lobster. Granted they’re delicious and speak loads about your taste and wallet — but no one looks good cracking open a crustacean while wearing a bib. If you really want seafood, stick to oysters and champagne or mixed drinks. The aphrodisiac combined with hard liquor is certainly a win/win that tastes as good as her instagram will look.