If we have to carry one more gourd, someone is getting gored. It happens every October, as beautiful plump boobs are packed away into hibernation, we are expected to carry 20 pounds of orange globes that remind us of what we’re missing. We have to pull pumpkins from a muddy field so they can sit on a front porch until someone gets drunk and throws them. Every single October white girl zombies rise from the cold ground wearing their Uggs and North Face fleeces while every bro shivers in his own bed realizing it’s that time again. Why women think trotting into a disgusting field while being surrounded by screaming kids high on caramel apples and candy corn is a romantic activity is beyond the male gender’s comprehension.
First off, you’re making us pay money to do someone else’s job. There are plenty of farm hands and immigrants willing to make half the minimum wage to pick these useless orange balls and bring them to our supermarket. Every time you force us to pay 10 bucks per person to haul a crappy vegetable that somehow manages to make your lattes better from a field into our cars, you’re stealing money from people whose education level dictates this is all they can do. Before this craze, there were people who looked forward to the October harvest. It means their children weren’t hungry and there was plenty of apples and pumpkins to feed the little ones. Now white girls who want to use hash tags on Instagram pictures have let children go hungry.
We love a good drive, as men getting in a car and heading out somewhere is normally a nice retreat from the monotony of day to day life. However, farms are never anywhere remotely close nor are they anything to look forward to when driving. Normally when traffic hits you can find solace in the fact your destination will be great. Not with pumpkin picking, we know we are driving to a place with screaming children, mud that’s going to pull our shoe off and drunk Dads that show us our futures. Driving to go pumpkin picking is like sitting in the dentists waiting room to get a tooth pulled.
It wastes an entire fucking day. It’s not just picking a pumpkin and leaving, there are so many more intolerable activities you make us do. There is the corn maze, where we wander around in the same stuff that got the Native Americans slaughtered while you complain as we try to cop a feel. There is the petting zoo, where a goat inevitably kicks us or we end up getting peed on. Then the main event the haunted hay ride! Sorry, the idea of having to eat a dinner with our entire family in November is scarier than the haunted hay ride. The only thing that’s truly scary about it is how freezing cold it is at night fall when you’re stuck in the back of a trailer. The only thing making all of it bearable is the 14 glasses of cider we’ve secretly been putting rum into all day.
That’s it bros, it’s about time we start admitting that pumpkin and apple picking are terrible. No man actually enjoys getting out there and asking strangers to take pictures because we found the perfect gourd. Pumpkin picking needs to be short and sweet and performed at the grocery store.