6 Tips From A Woman On How You Can Get Laid On A First Date



Strange if true, but no matter what you’ve learned about women from reading the comments section, we’re not guarding our purity like Smaug defending his gold. Surprise, women actually enjoy sex! And double standards be damned, if we enjoy your company and find you attractive, we might even charitably bang you on the first date.

Aside from her showing up in a virginal white robe with wildflowers strewn in her hair and woodland creatures chaperoning to make sure she isn’t de-flowered (lest she give up the throne to her magical Disney kingdom), it’s worth a shot.

Ladies be pimps too so here are some tips to make sure that like the sweet, sweet Bud Light you hand her, she’s #UpForWhatever

Text her before the date — but not too much.

Light witty text banter takes away the majority of pre-date jitters and makes both parties believe they know each other better than they actually do. You don’t have to get all the first date questions out of the way (where did you grow up, where did you go to school, when was your last blood test) but chat a little about your respective days and test the waters with a joke or two. Also please don’t start every sentence with “haha”. It’s a cop out and we all know it.

Pick the spot for her and pay

The male picking the spot is a cultural norm that also asserts you leave the womb-like structure of your apartment enough to know decent places to drink and or eat. Not to seem like a prostitute, but chicks are also more likely to put out if you pay for their drinks. I only say drinks because why are you paying for a full meal on the first date? Not only is it fiscally irresponsible, but no one wants to sit through a full meal with someone they’ve just met. Eating in front of someone else is awkward, and you obviously get drunker with nothing in your stomach. And I wonder how I’m single.

Don’t be a dick

Just because I want you to dress like a 80s villain doesn’t mean you should act like one. High school is over and the cheerleaders might have thought it was hilarious when you harassed your lab partner with the braces and headgear, but now the tables have turned and that nerd has a sweet rack and an engineering degree from Stamford. Also, the ‘women only want guys who act like jerks’ concept is a myth. We don’t have the time or emotional capacity to deal with assholes because there’s a bunch of other guys to right swipe who will be more attractive AND nicer than you. What we don’t like are bros that let us walk all over them, which explains the ‘nice guys finish last’ myth. At least nice guys get to finish at all, if you catch my drift. **throws self off roof deck I overpay for**

Compliment her

In other obvious news, girls love compliments! I personally appreciate getting told I’m funny or smart more than being told I’m pretty or have great boobs, but tbh I’ll take what I can get. By telling her she looks nice even when she has clothes on (with leaving the latter part of the statement out), she’ll be more likely to show you what she looks like sans meticulously pre-planned outfit.

Be attractive!

Hate to say it, but the more attractive you are — the larger a chance you have of getting into her pants. Life isn’t fair and Darwinism is a bitch but that’s what sexual chemistry boils down to — how physically and mentally attracted you are to the other person. For example, if a guy stops me while I’m running late to work and getting my necessary legal fix in Starbucks, I’ll be exasperated if he’s unattractive but delighted if he’s smoking hot. Chicks are also willing to put out for guys less attractive than they if the bro is exceptionally smart and funny, so keep the drinks coming.  

Initial physical attraction aside, you can gain points in your favor by doing all of the above suggestion and throwing on a blazer.

Oh that’s right, wear a blazer. 

They give the illusion of having your shit together, and also seamlessly pull together most outfits. Whatever you do though, don’t wear a black one. Black suit jackets are reserved for banking and funerals, which emotionally can be one in the same. I’m a sucker for a deep navy signature Brooks Brothers blazer but I’m also a horrible person, so take that as you will.

At the end of the long yet existentially fleeting day, dating is really just rolling the dice with your genetics and personalities. So if all else fails, chalk it up to a loss and blame your parents for going home alone. Or just shrug it off and text a more willing companion on your roster. Go get ‘em, slugger!