How Your Girl Is Secretly Cheating On You…Without Ever Touching A Dick

by 6 years ago


Full disclosure here, I’ve never been cheated on. If one of my exes cheated on me I wouldn’t be surprised though. I’m not exactly what you’d call a “catch,” unless you’re counting Chlamydia…in which case someone come sweep me off my feet because I’m a guaranteed soul-frickin’-mate. But I have been in relationships where the thought of seeing my insignificant other made the thought of chewing glass sound like fun. I can’t help it. I’m a sissy bitch when it comes to dumping people. So keeping in mind the fact that I let all my failed relationships drag on for WAY too long, let me tell you the five things us ladies do to get our boyfriend duties fulfilled elsewhere despite still having a boyfriend. Oh, and if these all continue on for too long she’ll prolly more likely than not end up cheating on you, or if you’re lucky she’ll just break it off. Watch yo’self.

1. That casual flirting? Yeah, that’s not so casual.

Everyone flirts with other people despite being in a relationship, don’t lie. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It’s just a way to know that other people still find you sexually viable and that the casual 20 lbs of relationship weight you put on isn’t that big of a deal (yet). But there’s a difference between “Tehehe you’re sooooo funny la la la butterflies” and “If you were to motorboat my boobs right now I’d be okay with it.” It’s the fact that one is clearly way more aggressive than the other that makes it a problem. If she’s half a shot away from having a threesome with some tatted up security guard and actively pursuing it, you’ve got a red card in your hand. She probably feels like you’re holding her back and that she’s missing out on all the superspecialawesome things her single friends get to do, which means that flirting? Yeah, it’s aboutta go a bit too far. You wouldn’t want your girlfriend chewing on the neck of some random dude at the bar, would you? Technically she’s not touching his dick, but would seeing that make you happy? Of course not.

2. She’s getting emotional with guys who aren’t you.

I’m not talking about the time she started bitching to her best guy friend about how she flunked a math final, I’m talking about how she’s now turning to other dudes for support about things that are genuinely upsetting about her life. Grandma died? Dog died? SOMETHING died and made her cry? If your schedule is empty and you’re available for her to have a full-on meltdown about how her Mom is missing in a freak hot air balloon accident, there’s a problem.

She might see you as unapproachable, or she could just flat-out not want to talk to you. By going to other guys for care and comfort, she’s getting the emotional connection the two of you should share from somewhere else, which leads us into number three.

3. There’s that one guy she keeps pulling around on a string…

…and it’s because she likes having the constant, unnecessary attention that you aren’t giving her. She’s basically leading the poor guy on with the vague-yet-unverified promise that maybe she’ll get with him once you two break up. Will she do it? Depends on how shitty your relationship’s gotten. This boytoy has no spine and reminds her of a lost puppy that won’t stop following you home, which doesn’t exactly scream “Sex God.” He’s basically there to serve as a sort of butler bitch that does her bidding. Thirsty? No worries, lemme buy you a drink from the bar pronto. Hungry? Okay cool I’ll buy us a few slices of pizza on the way home. At this point he’s not acting so much as someone to cheat on you with as he is a reminder that she can still get it on the regular elsewhere. While this doesn’t sound that threatening if it keeps continuing it’ll eventually evolve into #4.

4. She’s got a backup boyfriend for when you two break up.

Full disclosure: she’s 100% going to bang this dude. She might’ve hinted at sex with him, blown him kisses (if she’s a feckin’ fruitcake), or even just straight-up said “I am going to forcibly suck your penis whether you like it or not once me and -INSERT YOUR NAME HERE- break up.” At this point you’re not in the game anymore. Hell, you’re not even on the bench. Off in the distant horizon is where she sees you, jerkin’ off in a sandbox while picking your nose, being a general loser. But hey, at least you’re coordinated and possibly ambidextrous enough to wank it and dig for gold at the same time. That’s something resumé worthy, right?

5. Unless it’s Christmas or her birthday, she probably shouldn’t be getting gifts from other dudes, and she shouldn’t be accepting them either.

You know who gives people random gifts in the middle of March? No one. You know who accepts them? No one. Sporadic gifts from friends are weird and uncomfortable.

I’m not talking about someone buying lunch for me, I’m talking about necklaces. Bracelets. Earrings. You know, shit that someone would only give you if they’re either family or if the two of you are bangin’…or if you’re bangin’ your family, I guess that’d make sense too. But you can’t help if someone gives you something can you? The best she can do is politely decline the gift, but if she takes it and doesn’t immediately text you with “Whaaat the fuck so-and-so just gave me the weirdest thing,” that might be the start of something bad.