Why Is This Dumbass Chick Swimming With A Selfie Stick, And Why Is She So Terrified Of Manatees?

There are so many things wrong with this chick swimming with a selfie stick and losing it over a manatee that I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I’ll start with a pretty obvious statement: if you own and/or use a selfie stick, you should punch yourself in the face right now. There’s nothing more detestable in 2015 than a selfie stick, it is the nadir of our society, and anyone caught dead with one should be tarred and feathered.

Moving on: the manatee is quite possibly the greatest creature on planet earth. The manatee is an herbivore who eats up 100-pounds of vegetation each day, and also poops what seems like that same amount right back in to the water. Contrary to popular belief, manatees have NO known predators. Sharks and alligators do not hunt manatees, they leave the docile sea cow in peace. This is actually extremely unique in the animal kingdom (the only instance I know of), because animals without any known predators are typically apex predators themselves. Unless you’re a manatee, the only way to live your life without fear of predation is to climb to the top of the food chain. Yet the manatee just swims through the shallows, basking in the warm water, dropping mile-long shit logs that close beaches, and have no fear whatsoever of being attacked by other animals. In fact, the only real threat to manatees are the propellers from boats.

Just look at these lovable creatures!

Which brings me back to this girl. This girl swimming with a selfie stick, an act so offensive she should be locked in solitary confinement until the end of days, and who is deathly afraid of the most docile animal in the ocean. An animal so gentle she could probably hug it (or ride it, if she’s not afraid of getting arrested), and it would just hug her right back.

This trick is everything wrong with America. She’s using the shittiest technology we have at our disposal, and isn’t even aware of how magical the manatee is, and how fortunate she is to be in the presence of one. Instead she’s having a childish meltdown because she’s not happy that there’s a manatee swimming in its natural habitat.

So here’s what I propose:

1.) We petition to have the panther removed as the State Animal of Florida, and have the Manatee named to its rightful throne.

2.) We all chip in and buy this chick a one-way ticket to Siberia where we’ll never have to see or hear from her on YouTube again.

And just for fun, here’s a video of a manatee farting up a storm: