This Christmas, Give Your Girlfriend the Gift of Virginity with These Fake Hymens

The accidental early ejaculation, the tears, and of course, the tearing of the hymen. What would the experience be like without that you. But how, you may ask, can we simulate that biological process? With these fake hymens from The Hymen Shop. What do these … devices … things … membranes purport to do? From their very own website:

Spice up your sex life and bring the Va Va Voom back to the bedroom… only $29.95 and you can restore your Virginity and have your first night back anytime! … no surgery … no needles … no medication … no side effects … only $29.95…Delivered immediately and discreetly for FREE anywhere once your payment is received!!!

But say you aren't in need of some life spicing, but rather you area a women and are concerned that your current partner may feel significant shame upon learning you had sex before you met him. These fake hymies do that too. 

Kiss your deep dark secret goodbye and marry in confidence for only $29.95

Well, minus the amount you need to spend on a wedding. Don't forget, that shit is a woman's responsibility as well. Okay, so how does this AMAZING new productwork? 

 Insert the Artificial Hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrates, it will ooze out a liquid that appears like blood, not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans and you will pass through undetectable! 

YEA. You gotta sell that shit. Because that's a fucking turn on. Acting like sex is hurting you. Also, each pack of fake hymens comes with two, because apparently this company doesn't understand how virginity and relationships and trust work “No, seriously. I'm a virgin. I can prove it to you again.”

[H/T UPROXX; Screenshot via]