Tito (Who appears to have lost a fight with a grill) and Amanda Watts have dreams just like you and me, but when they set their life goals and shoot for the stars, they take it quite literally. These unique entrepreneurs were trying to eke out an existence (And cop some crack cocaine in the process) by selling “golden tickets to heaven.”
The Watts were arrested over the weekend for selling “golden tickets to heaven” on the streets of Jacksonville, Florida. These once in a millennium opportunities were extremely reasonably priced at a low, low $99.99 (I understand the marketing pricing of the $99.99, but you’re selling it on the street, just make it an even $100 to avoid having to carry rolls of pennies). The precious golden tickets entitled the buyer a spot in heaven, all they had to do is simply present the ticket when they arrived at the pearly gates.
The Godly travel agents assured potential customers that the tickets were made from solid gold.
Now I’ll be the first to admit that I’m no mineralogist and I don’t want to question the Watts’ merchandise, but that really looks like a block of wood spray-painted gold.
Well I wasn’t only person who doubted the authenticity of the gold bar ticket to heaven. A Jacksonville police spokesman said, “People can sell tickets to heaven, but the Watts misrepresented their product. The tickets were just wood spray painted gold with ‘Ticket To Heaven – Admit One’ written in marker. You can’t sell something as gold when it’s not. That’s where the Watts crossed the line into doing something illegal.”
Fucking coppers intruding on the Watts’ business. So much for free trade.
In his police statement, Tito Watts brilliantly argued his point:
I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold… it ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space. I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine. You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free. So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up…
To be honest, I’ve thought I met Jesus behind a KFC on several occasions. And who are you to judge a man on his beliefs? If a planet made entirely of crack cocaine is his heaven, than that’s his religion. It’s no sillier of a premise than a fluffy cloud world right above Earth where all your dead relatives reside and can peek down at you as you jerk off to midget porn.
Florida, just when I thought you couldn’t possibly be any alligator shit crazy, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself!
Amanda Watts said in her police statement:
We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched.
Way to stand by your man Benedict Arnold.
Police said they confiscated over $10,000 in cash, five crack pipes and a baby alligator.
As if things couldn’t get any more unbelievable, one irate customer is demanding his money back. “They said it was solid gold,” Del Woodcock said. “I don’t know what gold looks like. How was I to know it was spray painted wood? I want my $99.95 back and I hope Tito and Amanda Watts get the death penalty for what they done. They deserve it.” Wait. I thought they were selling them for $99.99? Despite Mr. Woodcock getting a four cent discount and a pinch of Tito’s chewing tobacco, he still feels as though he got dicked over.
Sure Snopes says this article is a complete fabrication, but the Jacksonville Sun Times reported on it, and they’re like a real news source. I want to believe that there are Floridians selling golden tickets to heaven which is an entire planet made up of crack cocaine.
[Stuppid via TheBigLead]