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It starts with a flemmy cough. Maybe a heavy duty nose blow. Within the blink of an eye, your beloved girlfriend could become a vessel for a nasty cold, virus or even the dreaded strep throat (such a dick move by nature). I know what you’re thinking. How do I keep my lady comfortable during her time of need? What is expected of a dutiful boyfriend? How do I avoid fucking this up to the point where she won’t sleep with me again? THERE IS NO PLAYBOOK FOR THIS.
Until now. Below is the game plan for caring for your significant other while steering clear of the horrible germs that are having a rager inside your poor GF’s body.
Treat Her Self: Really taking a chance here on the readership on BroBible.com but: you’re most likely not a divine healer. Your girlfriend doesn’t expect you to cure her because most run of mill illnesses (cold, flu) aren’t really curable. You are, however, in charge of treating the fuck out of this ailment and making her feel better than she currently does.
That means all of the over the counter basics: cold relief medicine, pain relievers, sleep aids (if she’s into that sort of thing). And fluids! Tea, Gatorade, whatever. Get that girl hydrated. And pick up a pair of those tiny, safety scissors while you’re at it. Have you seen your balls lately? Woof.
Do I Stay or Do I Go?: Everyone responds differently to being sick. Some people love having someone around to keep them company. I myself take the werewolf approach: lock me in a room with a water bowl (and maybe some Netflix) and I will emerge in two days healthy, wearing ripped clothing. In any event, just communicate with your girl and see what she wants. Stick around unless she tells you otherwise. And by no means become smothering boyfriend man. You know that guy. He sucks.
Intimacy: Repeat after me: CUDDLING IS A CHOICE. Your girl deserves the best care, but that does not mean you also have to get sick while administering it. Kissing, cuddling, sleeping over and other forms of body contact (heh heh) should not be an expectation. Being there for your girl and making sure she has everything she needs takes precedent. If you want to test fate and partake in some fever-induced spooning, THAT’S ON YOU.
Should I come In?: If you’re one of the lucky guys whose girlfriend has “stomach issues,” this section is for you. First of all, congratulations. I really mean it. Second of all, proceed with caution. When your girlfriend has a stomach bug or food poisoning, there’s always that magical moment when she’s locked herself in the bathroom and it sounds like the end of Poltergeist when the house implodes on itself and the dude from Coach keeps screaming “YOU ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES!” Ask her directly if she needs help in there. If she says no, stay out. You’ll probably want the same level of privacy when you shit yourself or vomit on your crotch. Because you know that’s going to happen at some point.
No Touching: You need to realize that your girlfriend’s house of residence is the germ-iest goddamn place this side of the prison on The Walking Dead (FU, I’m behind a few seasons). Treat it as such.
That means Purell and soap/water are your best friends. Sanitize constantly.
Most importantly: DON’T TOUCH YOUR HOLES! Mouth, ears, nose. Don’t rub your eyes. I’d just keep your hands off that chubby face of yours. It’s the easiest way to halt the spread of germs. And speaking of not touching holes…
Anyways… Sex?: Ha you’re hilarious. But seriously, absolutely not. I can’t imagine your girl wanting sex at any point while being sick. And somehow, on the off chance she does, sex is not the healthiest thing in the world from a germ-spreading standpoint. So put your dick away for once.
Extra Personal Touch: Like life, being sick is 80% just showing up. Unfortunately, you have to wait around and let the illness run its course. So as your girlfriend sits/lies down/huddles in the fetal position, just surround her with things she likes. Maybe there is a type of chicken soup from restaurant she loves. Or a special tea that is her go to. And remember: media is your friend here, so make sure you are set up to stream TV/movies.
This may come as a shock, but watching 24 episodes in a row of some BBC show you’ve never heard of is a great way to kill time.
Overall, leaning heavily on her likes will make this whole thing go a lot smoother. You do not need to become Mr. Male Nurse in times like these. Just being there for support and getting her the things she needs will make these few days at least bearable. Because at the end of the day, being sick sucks for everyone. Before you know you’ll be back to tag teaming bottles of cheap wine and passing out on each another.