There are two types of funerals in this world and neither of them are fun. The first is the type where you had an actual relationship with the deceased, in which case you’re all emotionally torn up from the loss of a loved one. The second is the type where you couldn’t have picked the deceased out of a lineup but you still have to go say a half-assed prayer over their dead body. “I’m sorry for your loss. Oh, uh…I didn’t actually know your husband. I think he worked for my dad at some point in the past fifteen years and they got drunk together a few times so my dad felt obligated to bring the whole family along. Yes, I’m sure he’s in a better place now, though I can’t say for sure because I have no idea what kind of place he’s coming from.”
It’s even worse when the funeral becomes an all day affair. “Welp kids, your grandmother’s best friend died at the age of 97 so we have to drive to a funeral home that’s three states away and sit there all day to show our support.” The lady was 97, grandma. I’ve owned pet turtles with shorter lifespans. I got shit to do. Which is pretty much exactly how Redditor terriblemyer10 felt when he found out he had to go to his cousin’s fiance’s sister’s funeral. Dude had things to do. Namely get cripplingly intoxicated the night before.
“It starts last week when my cousin’s fiancée’s sister got killed by a drunk driver. I hate funerals but my mom said I should go to support my cousin and because she will be a part of our family soon too. My other cousin’s also came from other parts of the state so they could go to the funeral too. It was really cool to see them all because we all go to different colleges so we only see each other in person a couple of times a year for the last few years. The night before the funeral we went out for beer and wings to catch up and hang out and since we are all 21 now we could drink legally. After we left the sports bar we went to another bar up the street to play some pool and of course we drank some more. We ended up getting pretty hammered.
The next day I was hungover but I knew my mom would kill me if I skipped out on the funeral so I forced myself to get out of bed. I had a headache and felt sick but I was determined to stick it out for the sake of my cousin and because I didn’t want to piss my mom off. The funeral was real emotional and it was a military funeral because she was in the army before so it was really serious. Because of the way the church was set up you had to walk past the coffin to get to the seats inside. We were seated already but I was feeling sick and like I needed to puke. I excused myself since the service had not started and headed towards the bathroom, which was at the back of the church near the entrance. This is where the fucked up happened. I was passed by where the coffin was but all I could think about was how bad I needed to throw up. One of my aunts was in line to pass by the coffin and she saw me and called my name. I turned my head and looked at her and before I could stop myself I puked. All over the coffin and the sister’s body inside it. It was like a fucking nightmare and even though I had tried to stop myself I couldn’t.
So obviously I didn’t stay for the funeral. I almost got my ass kicked by some army people and my mom was so mad at me that she cried. My cousin actually thought it was funny and no biggie but his fiancée and her family fucking hate me and she is also mad at my cousin because he tried to defend me. My parents and aunts and uncles are so mad at me too and everyone knows we were out drinking the night before because of the pictures on Facebook. My cousins have all been cool to me though.
tl;dr I went out and got drunk with my cousin’s and the next day I went to a funeral for one of their fiancée’s sister. I was so hungover from the night before that I puked all over the coffin and the sister’s body inside of it in front of everybody who was there for the funeral.”
First of all, props to this guy’s cousin for laughing off his new family member’s fresh coat of vomit embalming. You probably have to pay extra for that in some parts of the world. The guy knows a deal when he sees one. Really though, it’s bananas that this guy didn’t see a single other option besides spraying vomit all over the coffin as he turned his head. Literally any other place in the building would have been more suitable. Even the floor next to the body would have worked. He could have tossed a flower arrangement on top of it and no one would have been any the wiser. “What’s that disgusting smell?” “I’m not sure but you know it could be the dead body we’re standing in front of.” He even had a built-in excuse right there. However, hindsight 20/20, the dude did get out of the funeral, which is always a big win. Unless he was going girl hunting, in which case maybe don’t be so hungover next time.