It’s Official, Bros: Hil Dawg Is Running For Prez

In what was the best known secret in the world since the age you said you were when you lost your virginity (you were 20, not 16 and don’t even try to play because the time you came in the condom does not at all count), Hillary Clinton is running for president.

You knew it, I knew it, thoseĀ chameleons that have lived in caves in Asia for hundreds of centuries and evolved to no longer have eyes knew it, but now, we all know it, because Hillary Clinton is running for president.

She still hasn’t fucking announced it, because god knows the world is nothing but a perpetual hype machine always needing to be fed bigger and bigger stories, but Clinton operative John Podesta (Note: anyone who works for the Clintons is known as an operative because it makes the group sound more like a shady cabal) released the news in an email to the staff of her failed 2008 presidential bid.

UPDATE: just launched and they’ve added this video announcing her campaign.

This video makes no fucking sense. It’s about a kid starring in a fish play and a dog eating trash. Look how happy but nervous the Americans are!

Apparently the themes of it are income equality and gay marriage, because the rich can afford those fancy trash cans with the lids that the dogs can’t get into and have money to donate to Super PACs fighting marriage equality.

So should you vote for Hillary Clinton?

I mean if her top issue is fancy trash cans for all, sure. But that doesn’t seem like substance enough to shape a presidency around, no?