When I Googled chivalry, one of the first and only things that auto filled the search bar were the words “chivalry is dead.” However, I disagree. Chivalry isn’t dead. It’s merely evolved. Here’s how you can still remain a chivalrous gentleman in 2015.
Now, obviously the first step in being chivalrous is lining up a date you can be chivalrous to. To do so download the Tinder app on your smart phone and start swiping right. This is your first step toward being chivalrous. If you fancy yourself an old soul and think that Tinder is not for you, then you can pursue a woman the old fashioned way: stalking someone you have mutual friends with on Facebook.
Once you make a connection, you’ll have to ask her out on a date. In the olden days you’d have to ask women out in grocery stores, malt shops, or in class with a well written note that read something like this.
Will you go out with me?
If you think about it the “check yes or no” note really was the original Tinder. The note pass just featured a lot more face-to-face disappointments and a lot less sexually transmitted diseases.
Living in the modern era, it’s perfectly acceptable to start a conversation with a text message. In fact, I’m sure most people prefer it. Leave the awkward small talk for when you meet for dinner. It’s important to note that some flirty text messages are good, but resist the urge to send a dick pic. A chivalrous man does not force a young lady to gaze upon his blurry child maker before even meeting in person. That is simply crass.
Once you score the date, you can drive to pick her up; preferably at a public area as to not seem threatening. It is also worth noting that you should not stress the importance of meeting in a highly populated public area. Stressing that it is a public area too much will make her question your motives in the other direction. Just suggest an area to meet and go with the flow.
When picking up your date remember to get out and politely open the passenger door for her. Score bonus chivalry points by buckling her seat belt for her as well. After buckling her in just give her a wink and say, “Safety first.” A woman loves being with a man that makes her feel safe.
Be sure to listen to the words that come out of her mouth on the way to the restaurant, and remember to be chivalrous when speaking to her. Stay away from offensive language like slut, cunt, and anal atrocity.
Once you get a table at the restaurant, be sure to make a recommendation from the menu. This will show that you want her to have an enjoyable meal, and will also show that you have class. Once the food arrives, be sure to cut her meal into small bite sized pieces for her. Remember, a woman wants a man who can protect her and make her feel safe, and there’s no safer way to eat than having the pieces cut smaller than your esophagus’ diameter.
Once the meal is complete the waiter will bring you the bill. Up to now, most of these chivalrous acts have been long standing: opening the door, refraining from offensive language, apparent listening. However, with the raising popularity of the feminist movement, it would now be considered rude to pay for the meal yourself. She’ll most likely try to pay for it right away, but you should be a gentleman and offer to split it. However, do not ask to split it more than once. That is considered quite rude and very unchivalrous. Simply say, “Thank you very much. I cherish how much we’ve progressed as a society. I’ll get the tip.”
If you go for a walk afterwards and there’s a bit of a nip in the air be sure to offer her your extra jacket that you’ve been wearing. Always wear an extra jacket. A chivalrous man gives up his jacket for a woman in need, but a wise man wears an extra jacket for his own needs as well. Also, if you happen to stumble upon a puddle, you’ll have to help her avoid it. Now, traditional chivalry would like us to throw down our coat on top of the puddle so that she could avoid dampening her shoes. I say go the extra mile. Instead, take off your jacket and hand it to her. Then proceed to lie down over the puddle acting as a human bridge for her. This will keep her completely dry, and show that you’re truly a chivalrous man all while keeping your coat dry. Again, safety is very important to a woman.
If a date goes very well you’ll most likely be asked this question, “Would you like to go to my place and watch some Netflix?” This is the new version of, “Would you care to come up for a cup of coffee?” The idea that offering coffee late at night was a go-to is beyond me, but the important thing here is that “watch some Netflix” is the 1950s version of “parking.” In other words, it’s code for sex or at the very least a hard core make-out session. Remain chivalrous and kindly offer her some binge-watching company.
Later on you may get the chance to have intimate relations with a fine lady if your chivalrous game has remained consistent. All those things you did to make her feel safe will come around full circle when you put on a condom and give her a now familiar wink and phrase stating reassuringly, “Safety first.” Women love feeling safe.
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