Humankind Is One Step Closer To Landing Ben Affleck On An Asteroid

Disappointingly, Ben Affleck did not land on an asteroid today. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure he left his house today. It’s only 10:30 a.m. on the West Coast, and if a nanny took the kids to school, he might have not stepped foot outside. Maybe he did. I don’t know. I’m not Ben Affleck’s personal Swarm App. But he definitely didn’t travel to outer space. That I’m fairly certain of.

We, though, are getting closer to sending Ben Affleck to an asteroid. In fact, we basically nailed a practice run today. (We being Europeans, but whatever, in times of duress we are all one people or some shit. Go France! I don’t give a fuck.)

The space thing Rosetta (is it a probe? All space things are basically probes) has been orbiting a comet, 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko, for a couple weeks or days now (I stopped paying attention a while ago). But today, it was back in the news, because its probe (the probe’s probe) Philae landed on the fucking comet.

Philae is the first thing from Earth to ever land on a comet. This is cool. I guess. It’s gonna collect some comet and then tell us what’s in the comet. Then we can deduce shit.

“Hey look, space has minerals!”

Yea. Science. But what’s more important is the knowledge that we can land shit on shit while it’s flying through space.

Which means if an asteroid ever comes hurtling toward Earth, we can send some goddamn oil drillers from Texas to blow it apart.

I’m talking about Armageddon. The movie. And I guess actual Armageddon, wherein the Earth might end, because there is an asteroid about to hit the planet.

Here’s a picture it took. You can’t see shit.