25 Reasons I’m Still Just A Child Even Though I’m In My Twenties

I am not an adult. Well, technically, by definition, I am. But I’m not. Here are 25 reasons why I’m still a child. Not even a teenager. A child.

I don’t own an umbrella.

Buying an umbrella ranks just below flossing on my invisible To-Do list. It’s absurd to buy one on a sunny day and on a rainy day I’m already wet before I get to the store anyway. Next time.

If I need anything practical, instead of buying it I’ll just put it on my Christmas list.

Shaving bags, work socks, daily planners, irons, toothbrushes. At one point or another I had planned to pick these items up myself, but then I just continued living my life.

I have a Christmas list.

And it starts off “Dear Santa…”

I have a mini panic attack anytime I buy something over $50 fearing my card will decline.

Some people get their adrenaline pumping from skydiving or cocaine. I just give the waitress my credit card on a first date.

I’ve eaten a pack of Gushers within the past 4 days.

*6 packs. *Within 4 hours. For the record, it only counts as one serving if they’re all stuck together.

My friends and I still split the dinner bill 13 ways.

80% of our dinner experience is fighting over who got the side of Guacamole.

I will watch Home Alone every time it’s on TV.

“Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.”
-Kevin McCallister, Age 8
-Me, Age 27

I get melancholy every September because I want to go back to college.

I graduated over 5 years ago. Barely.

I use my friend’s Netflix account.

$7 a month! That’s a full 6 pack of Natty Light. Not in the budget.

I still laugh uncontrollably when someone farts in the urinal next to me.

The day I stop laughing at this will be the day I’ve officially taken myself too seriously. Three unshakeable truths: the Earth is round, the Sun rises in the East and sets in the West, farts are funny.

I buy hair gel just to eliminate cow licks in the morning.

Because it’s frowned upon to wear hats in the office.

My friends getting married scares the shit out of me.

Just because you’ve found your souls counter in another and have solidified a deeply beautiful and powerful bond means we can’t get drunk on a Tuesday night and prank call the local Chinese restaurant? What happened to priorities, bro?

My brothers and I still give my parents ‘joint gifts’

Mom this spatula was from your three loving sons. We each love you 1/3 of a spatula. Thank you for giving us the miracle of life.

I recently thought National Public Radio (NPR) was an Indie Band

If it isn’t, it should be.

Halloween is my favorite holiday

No self-respecting adult has Halloween coined as their favorite holiday. But it’s the only day of the year when it’s acceptable to get drunk in a Flamingo suit.

I prefer a nicely fitting free t-shirt over a Brooks Brothers button down.

Preferably a college “Intramural Champion” t-shirt so girls know that I not only am athletic, but I’ve also pursued a higher education.

I lack essential kitchenware.

I’ve taken chicken nuggets out of the over using my bath towel. I’ve got so much black residue in my frying pan that my girlfriend stopped buying eyeliner.

I can’t sleep before 11:30 pm.

Which is why I can’t get up before 11:30 am.

I still maintain the belief that if I worked out hard for 8 months, I could be a serviceable special teams player in the NFL.

Not a Hall of Famer, not even a Pro Bowler, just a hard-working, shoelace tackler who’s respected in the locker room.

I own a bottle of Axe body Spray.

Does anyone know how many sprays it takes for girls to start attacking you like in the commercials? I’ve reached 18.

I haven’t been to the dentist in over 2 years.


I think The Beatles are grossly overrated.

Yep, nail me to the cross. Not saying they’re bad, just saying that there are better artists. That reminds me: does anyone know when the next Ja Rule album comes out?

Instead of transferring it to a bowl, I eat soup straight from the pot.

I’m surprised you have time to judge me with all those dishes you need to clean.

If your name if Richard, I’m calling you Dick.

That’s just the way it is. Don’t blame me. Blame your parents, Dick.

I’m wearing my high school letterman jacket as I’m writing this.

Just kidding. It’s at the cleaners.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.