Be on the lookout, dudes, if you live in Southern California and have a dick, and would like for that dick to not be cut off by a prison escapee who’s into cutting off dicks.
Maybe don’t leave the house for a few days, you know?
Authorities are searching for three inmates who committed a brazen jail break from the Orange County Men’s Central Jail on Friday. Jonathan Tieu, Bac Duong, and Hossein Nayeri were all awaiting trials for violent crimes, including murder, attempted murder, and real deal dick removal, when they burst out of the jail in impressive fashion. From the Associated Press:
Somehow, the men obtained tools, cut through a quarter-inch-thick grill on a dormitory wall and got into plumbing tunnels.
Cutting through additional half-inch-thick steel bars, they made their way to an unguarded area of a roof atop a four-story building, moved aside razor wire and rappelled to the ground using the bed linen.
The escape wasn’t noticed for 16 hours, until a nighttime head count that had been delayed about an hour because of a fight involving other inmates who might have been part of the escape plan.
According to authorities, this is the first successful escape from the jail in more than 20 years.
All men are considered extremely dangerous. Tieu had been in the jail since October 2013, held on $1 million bond for murder and attempted murder. Duong was in county for a month, held on charges of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon
Nayeri, though, is the one you need to watch out for. If you wanna keep your dick.
Nayeri had been held without bond since September 2014 on charges of kidnapping, torture, aggravated mayhem and burglary. He and three other men are accused of kidnapping a marijuana dispensary owner in 2012, driving him to a desert spot where they believed he had hidden money, and cutting off his penis, authorities said.
If you see these men, hold on to your dick and contact the local authorities.
The Orange County Sheriff shared photos of the escape on Twitter.
Exterior photo of Central Men's Jail. Built in 1968 and currently houses 900+ male inmates 1/5 #ocjailescape pic.twitter.com/171FZmL3YL
— OC Sheriff, CA (@OCSheriff) January 24, 2016
https://twitter.com/OCSD/status/691380209275174913/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Cut steel screen where inmates made access to plumbing tunnel from tank 3/5 #ocjailescape pic.twitter.com/xXb8ukD4Y7
— OC Sheriff, CA (@OCSheriff) January 24, 2016
Roof area of CMJ where razor wire was compromised and is believed inmates repelled down to ground 4/5 #ocjailescape pic.twitter.com/IFf9p0CpMF
— OC Sheriff, CA (@OCSheriff) January 24, 2016
Makeshift rope made with linens, utilized in escape 5/5 #ocjailescape pic.twitter.com/rWDIkONtxA
— OC Sheriff, CA (@OCSheriff) January 24, 2016
I’ll be honest. I’m pretty damn happy to be on the East Coast, where my dick is not in danger. Because once you cut off one, what’s to stop you from slicing up several more?
Be safe, Cali Bros.
[Via The Washington Post]