Absurdly Overprotective Boyfriend Sends Psychotic List Of Rules To Girlfriend Heading Off To College, All Of Which Will Be Broken

By now, I’m sure you’ve learned that the harder you squeeze a handful of sand, the easier it slips out of your fingers. I made the mistake of trying to micromanage a long-distance relationship my freshman year of college (shut up), and although it hasn’t been confirmed, I’m pretty sure my darling was getting plugged as I was sending her “Just Because” flowers. It was a tough pill to swallow, but no tougher than fleshy pills she was taking down. GOD DAMN YOU, ERICA!

Anyway, after listening to Bon Iver on repeat and overanalyzing ever picture she was tagged in on Facebook , I finally took some advice from Baz Luhrmann’s Suncreen Song: “Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.” I quickly came to and realized that college was for sex with strangers and I immediately forgot about whats her face.

But enough about me. Let’s talk about this dickless chump who hasn’t learned yet that his relationship with his girlfriend whose heading to college will last about as long as a Usain Bolt 100-yard dash.


Live look at the boyfriend:

Live look at the girlfriend:

Go out and experiment like the rest of us, dude.

[h/t LADbible]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.