One week ago, if you’d tried to convince me that Kenny G was in any way a badass I would have smothered my hands in baby powder and slapped you like a Russian mobster. Kenny G couldn’t be badass. No way. He looks like one of those guys that left a 72-hour LAN party just in time to join his parents at church.
But you have to look at the big picture and so I did. And I realized that it doesn’t matter if he’s rockin’ a jheri curl hair style straight out of 1987. And so what if he plays an instrument that greatly resembles an elephant’s dick. Kenny G is kicking the shit out of life in ways you can’t even comprehend.
Made A Career Playing Smooth Jazz
Smooth. Fucking. Jazz.
If Pop Country music, Soft Rock and elevator music had an ass-to-mouth threesome in Hades’ guest bedroom, Smooth Jazz would be their santorum-covered offspring. Despite this, Kenny G has managed to become a musical superstar and develop a successful career that’s taken him around the world several times selling millions of albums.
Has A Pilot’s License
As if Kenny G doesn’t have enough going for him he also has a pilot’s license. He regularly uses it to fly his $500K plane that he owns and the Learjet that he leases. You lookin’ a little sideways at that elephant’s dick saxophone now? You should be.
Can Circular Breathe
Circular breathing is a technique that allows for playing instruments like the didgeridoo. Kenny G is so good at the technique that he has the world record for holding one note at just under 46 minutes. That means he can go down on your girlfriend without coming up for air for longer than it takes for you to fill up at the local Mexican buffet, drive home, drop a deuce and discover his tangled curls paralyzing your lady with orgasms.
Really REALLY Great Golfer
In 2006 Golf Digest said that Kenny G had a +0.6 handicap that made him tops amongst musicians. Kenny G golfs so well that he and Phil Mickelson tied for first in the Pebble Beach Pro-Am tournament with Jerry Chang and his partner, pornstar-boning Tiger Woods, back in 2001. Between making albums, touring and trading stocks he has plenty of time to play golf and improve his game. Speaking of stocks…
Invested In Starbucks
Before Starbucks was Starbucks it was just some little coffee chain in Seattle. Kenny G’s dad recommended he invest in it and, on a whim, he did. Kenny G and his dad are now two of the 10 original investors in Starbucks that are rich enough to kill you and make it look like your fault. What were you saying about Mr. G’s hair? Didn’t think so, homey.
Is An Icon In China
In a country where stealing American art and media products is slightly more common than it is in America, China loves them some Kenny G. They love Kenny G so much his song ‘Going Home’ is the officially unofficial end-of-work-day anthem. In the same way that LMFAO’s ‘Shots’ makes the college kids rush the bar, ‘Going Home’ sends Chinese people home.
Talk about market penetration. Damn.
Despite Being Chinese Icon, Attended Hong Kong Protests
A couple weeks ago Kenny G, in a moment WTF??-level ballsiness that probably sent his PR guy hurtling towards a full-scale myocardial infarction, visited Hong Kong to observe the protests there. He also tweeted a picture of himself amongst the protesters simply saying he wished for a peaceful resolution.
Why is this a big deal? Hong Kong wants more control over its own elections. China doesn’t want to give up that control. This is the same China that has bought a mega-shit-ton of his records (remember that ‘Going Home’ business?). In a country rife with pirates stealing albums and a government that did not react favorably to his presence in HK, Kenny G bitched up a little over Twitter, but didn’t take down his photo or the original tweet. Balls, bro.
Told you he was a badass.
[Kenny G Golfing Image via ShutterStock]