New Study Finds You Would Be Happier If Your Girlfriend Died Than If You Had A Kid With Her


Which, like, that doesn’t even seem possible. Because, you know, having a child is a genuinely enjoyable thing, whereas enduring the death of someone you love is a very sad experience.

But a new study out of Europe finds that is not the case. Folks are mourning when their first born arrives and, by contrast, practically yahooing when their significant other dies. In fact, having a kid drags your quality of life so far down, that — aside from feeling the judgement of Judgy McJudgers — you’d be happier killing the thing and spending the next twenty or so years in jail.

At least then you wouldn’t have a kid. From The Washington Post:

Researchers Rachel Margolis and Mikko Myrskylä followed 2,016 Germans who were childless at the time the study began until at least two years after the birth of their first child. Respondents were asked to rate their happiness from 0 (completely dissatisfied) to 10 (completely satisfied) in response to the question, “How satisfied are you with your life, all things considered?”

On average, new parenthood led to a 1.4 unit drop in happiness. That’s considered very severe.

To put things in perspective, previous studies have quantified the impact of other major life events on the same happiness scale in this way: divorce, the equivalent of a 0.6 “happiness unit” drop; unemployment, a one-unit drop; and the death of a partner a one-unit drop.

Nevermind. This study interviewed Germans. Of course they’d be downright jacked at the death of a spouse, the better to perform necrophiliac scat webcam shows on. And kids, kids just get in the damn way of pooping on your dead spouse.

“Dad, don’t poop on mom. She’s dead.”

Fucking Germans.

But yea. Never have a kid.