Do you care about your dong? Do you want to keep going through life without ulcers on your dip stick? Well, you’re going to need to stay the hell away from Sin City for the next few months because there’s a scorching outbreak of syphilis that’s taken Las Vegas by storm. The number of reported cases of syphilis in Las Vegas has spiked, and if you’re not very familiar with syphilis it’s a wicked sexually transmitted disease that can lead to rashes, bumps, and ulcers all over your body (including you tallywacker).
According to KSNV/NBC 3 Las Vegas, there’s been a 128% increase in the number of annual cases reported since 2012…an increase so drastic that they’re now referring to this as an ‘outbreak’:
The Southern Nevada Health District has identified a 128-percent increase in reported syphilis cases in Clark County since 2012 and is now considering the increase to be an outbreak of early syphilis cases, according to a news release.
The increase is seen mostly among men with 615 of the 694 cases diagnosed in 2015. Early syphilis is an infection that has been acquired within the previous 12 months.
“We are considering this an outbreak because disease rates in our community are continuing to climb and we see no plateau at this point,” said Dr. Joe Iser, SNHD’s chief health officer. “Syphilis is easy to get but it is easy to get rid of with treatment. Many people don’t realize the long-term consequences of untreated syphilis. Our goal is to make people aware of the problem, encourage health care providers – especially those who treat men – to report cases to us so we can begin notifying partners, get them into treatment, and stop the spread.”
Now I’d like to tell you all about the time in college when I thought I had genital warts….I was a sophomore and taking my Biology 100 elective. We’d reached the part of the syllabus that covered STDs and STIs, and one night I was studying for the test the next day. I was drinking while studying, drinking to the point that I got hungry for some munchies.
What a great time in life this was for me: sitting there flipping through a textbook, drunk, eating popcorn and looking at the most horrific photos of STDs imaginable. I’m talking about warts spewing out pus, penises barely hanging on…full on BLUE WAFFLES type STDs.
Eventually I figure I’ve studied enough and pass out…I was studying in my room. Well, the next morning I wake up to go take a piss and I’ve got a wart on the tip of my dick. I’m certain my life is over, I’ve contracted and STD that’s so vicious you have to disclose it on the first date, and at this point in the morning I’m positive that I’ll never have sex again.
So I rush back across the hall and flip open my textbook. I’m flipping the pages, feverishly trying to figure out what in the fuck might be on the end of my dong.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was more likely 10 minutes in total, I finally work up the courage to touch whatever the hell it was that grew out of the tip of my penis over night. Up until that moment I was scared to touch it, I was pretty convinced it’d be painful as hell.
Well, I touch it and it just falls of. It was a goddamn popcorn kernel, stuck to the tip of my dick. Because when I was done studying I brought the rest of my popcorn into bed, and I passed out stuffing my face full of popcorn. At some point in the night the bowl of popcorn spilled and one of the kernels became lodged into the tip of my dong, an accident that sent me into a panic attack the following morning….and thus concludes my story.
Now imagine if I’d really contracted an STD! Imagine it was you in this story, but instead of a trash ass student house in Tallahassee you were in Las Vegas and you’d just got syphilis from a skeezer you met at Tao! I want you to think of this next time you’re lighting up that city in the desert and I want you to remember to wear a goddamn condom.
For more on this story you can click on over to NEWS3LV