Finland does not have much to offer outside of worthlessness, however the Finnish thrash metal band Lordi has a song called “Devil Is a Loser” with a lyric that goes, “The devil is a loser and he’s my bitch.”
Welcome to the world of being a person of facial hair—whether you live a life of Mustached American descent, have a burly beard, sport a goatee or what have you. We live life by a different set of rules, kicking the doors of hell open for a pleasant Sunday stroll, while riding a one-eyed bison drinking a keg of Colt 45 through a crazy straw.
We do have rare shortcomings, though, as academics have not been a strong-suit of people of facial hair. It’s not about our intellectual capabilities as the brainpower of Mustached Americans has proven some 18.3 percent more acute than our clean-shaven mortal counterparts. No, it’s simply because most of us choose to pursue other interests such as shooting guns at cans, throwing raw meat at passing cars on an interstate, tipping over municipal buses over and juggling goats.
But that’s most Mustached Americans, and there are exceptions to every rule.
One such is Amite (Louisiana) High School valedictorian Andrew Jones, who, despite his 4.0 grade point average, was recently barred from walking with and speaking to his school’s graduating class due to facial hair.
“Our school board has a policy that does not allow any facial hair on male students,” Tangipahoa Parish school superintendent Mark Kolwe said, who apparently didn’t read his own student dress code which states “Hairstyles and mustaches shall be clean, neatly groomed and shall not distract from the learning environment nor be a safety factor for any of the school’s curricular offerings.”
What a douche.
The cocksure Jones told Kolwe he’d pass on shaving so that he could keep his dignity and God-given lower nose garmentry unit. But the fact remains that Tangipahoa Parish school’s actions represent a clear violation of Jones’ civil liberties in discriminating against his Mustached American lifestyle.
In response, the American Mustache Institute—the world’s leading facial hair advocacy organization and think tank—sent the following correspondence to Superintendent Kolwe and the board of Tangipahoa Parish schools.
The American Mustache Institute (AMI) recently learned of a policy of discrimination against people of Mustached American descent by Tangipahoa Parish schools as evidenced by your explicit unwillingness to allow Amite High School valedictorian Andrew Jones participate in his graduation ceremony due to his Mustached American heritage.
The enforcement of said discriminatory policy is unacceptable to people of Mustached American heritage and the Mustached American community at large as it represents a clear and dangerous precedence and an egregious violation of young peoples’ civil liberties.
Setting aside your barefaced mortality, this runs in direct contradiction to your stated philosophy that, “the Tangipahoa Parish School System exists to serve all the people … that those involved in education must make every effort to meet the needs of all students in granting them the fullest possible educational opportunities.”
These philosophical benchmarks, however, clearly do not apply to peoples of facial hair. Indeed, by your treatment of Andrew Jones you demonstrate the district’s disinterest and unwillingness to extend an effort to “meet the needs of all students” to young men or women wishing to lead a Mustached American lifestyle, which we believe to be a stark violation of civil liberties and of course contradict the scientifically-based principles of rugged good looks.
Lest us remind you that as an academic institution of freedom and handsomeness, the staff and administration of the American Mustache Institute appreciates that your schools, “know that the needs of children are similar, but not identical, and we try to adapt our program to this knowledge.” This is vital as Mustached Americans have proven to score 27 percent above the national average in standardized testing vs. the clean shaven mortal populous.
It goes without saying that developing each child’s potential in the key to our collective futures, and therefore every child is vitally important — including young Mustached Americans. However, restricting the growth, masculinity, earning potential and civil liberties of your student body — while disallowing them to experience their ordained heritage as people of Mustached American descent — flies in the face of reason, justice and the American way of life.
We demand that you cease these discriminatory policies, and that you live your stated principles understanding that if today’s youth are to excel, they must have the personal freedom to live a lifestyle that embodies those freedoms more than anything else.
Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove, Chief Executive Officer
BOOM! A mic hasn’t been dropped like that since Kobe Bryant gave his farewell speech.