I’m 23-years-old and have spent the majority of my adult-ish life in relationships. While I’d like to think it’s because I’m a total catch (at least that’s what my mommy tells me), more likely it’s that I’m honestly just too lazy to get involved in the “dating scene” — i.e. speed-swiping right on Tinder until you get a match or actually going out and meeting people.
But who REALLY wants to put in the effort meeting new people calls for? First you have to finally put on a real pair of pants when you’ve spent the last 2 and 1/2 weeks in sweats, then you have to make sure your hair doesn’t look like you haven’t showered in a week (and you actually haven’t because you forgot to pay the water bill, awkward) and THEN, after you’ve put ALL THAT EFFORT into just PREPARING to go out and meet people, you actually have to go out and talk to people you don’t know?
Fuuuck THAT noise, bitch if I were single I’d be left-right-left-left-right-right-right-SUPER LIKE swiping all over the place. But since I’m not single, I never fucking use Tinder. Clearly I’ve got zero use for it, however screenshots of stupid profiles and weird conversations have become such a “thing” on the Internet that I wanted to do it for myself…but with a twist. Maybe let my initial prediction of “People are going to be morally corrupt turd goblins” be proven wrong, restore some of my faith in humanity yeah?
We’ve all seen the profiles where the guy/girl has a bio that’s like “OMG i LURRRVV ma boiifran! He iz SOOOOOOO hawttt <3<3<3<3″…
…but do people actually swipe right on these? If she has a boyfriend and she’s actively using Tinder to meet dudes than she is an obvious piece of shit, right? Why would you want to match with someone like that? Right? Right?
I gave humanity too much credit.
This is the Tinder profile I was playing with:
Gonna be completely honest and say yes, I did throw that bikini photo in there to boost my matches. Sue me, I’m already a supposed piece of shit on this app, not like NOT throwing in the bikini will make Hell any cooler when I finally get down there.
I automatically swiped right on as many dudes as I could before I got bitched at by the app to “Upgrade To Tinder Plus And Be DROWNING In So Much Pussy You Will Actually, Literally, Die.” I think it was about 94 people I swiped right on. Of those 94 people I matched with 53 of them. Of those 53, they always messaged me first — I never messaged them and after all was said and done I actually bothered to only really talk to 13 of them.
Because despite me acting like a total piece of shit, they were all about it…and it was genuinely gross:
To be completely fair to these guys, I was pretty aggressive; but I always said outright that I had a boyfriend, and as you can see no one really gave a shit. In fact a few of them said they thought that was “hot.” Are you fucking kidding me? Thank GOD I am not single because if the dating pool is polluting with people like this:
However bleak this is, there were two people who didn’t go for it: one guy who called me out for being a piece of shit, and another who seemed to be into it for a second but when it took me a while to respond he changed his tune and figured out I was doing this for invisible Internet points:
As for the above guy, I don’t fault him for swiping right — he might not have read my bio beforehand and didn’t necessarily realize I had a boyfriend.
So what have we learned here today, ladies and gentlemen? That the human race is doomed to procreate through stupid pickup lines sent over mobile phone apps? That chivalry is dead and writhing in its grave?
No — well, yes. Those are all technically true. But we also learned that when faced with the promise of easy pussy, all cognitive abilities in men related to common sense and morals are rendered useless.
Oh, and also that the world is inhabited by pieces of shit like this:
But we already knew all of that, right?