An Inn In Maine Is Up For Grabs For Just $125 And A 200 Word Essay — Here’s My Submission, Which Will Easily Win

For just $125 and a 200-word essay, the Center Lovell Inn in Maine could be all yours. The owner of the inn, Janice Sage, is putting the place up for grabs. It’s exactly the way Sage came to be the owner — she won an essay contest back in 1993.

Here’s more about the actual contest from CNN Money:

“Sage isn’t giving up the bed and breakfast for nothing. The property and building are valued at $905,000, and she expects to collect at least that much money from the entry fees.

In fact, Sage will return all the money if she doesn’t receive at least 7,500 entries. That many entry fees would give her about $938,000. She pledges to give the winner $20,000 to get them started.”

Built in 1805, the Center Lovell boasts seven guest rooms, two dining rooms, a screened-in porch and a killer view of the White Mountains. I’m not sure if that’s code for coke but I’ll assume it is.

The essays, like my penis, must be short and powerful. The top twenty will be passed on to a panel of judges and the winner will take over control of the inn.

My submission is complete.

Dear Ms. Sage,

I read your story today and it caused me to drop my cell phone. I had that thing happen where your balls get pinched between your leg and pants. I screamed like a bitch, regained composure, and decided “THAT’S IT! IT’S TIME TO CHANGE THIS LIFE FOR THE BETTER!” and bought a looser pair of pants. Once a maximum level of comfort was reached, I sat down to pen this letter.

I’ve wanted to own an inn for as long as I can remember. I suffer from short term memory loss or I’d give specific dates. Some of my favorite movies involve inns. I love Holiday Inn, Jamaica Inn, The Inn and that movie where Jack Nicholson tries to kill his family though that might have been a hotel. I can’t remember the name of that movie. Short term memory loss. Ever wonder how people with memory loss can explain their condition if they suffer from memory loss? How do they remember….what was I talking about? Terms of Endearment! That’s the movie. Classic Jack.

In closing, if given the keys to the Center Lovell Inn, I promise to care for it properly during the day, and throw insane sex parties every night. So help me Jesus.

Love, Chris

[via KCRA]

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Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling.