Florida Man Robs Little Old Lady In Elevator And Awkwardly Rides It Down With Her

Being on the elevator with someone else is more intimate than having sex. At least during sex, I have James Blunt playing through the speakers to drown out the deafening silence of her not enjoying it. But an elevator is a where forced small talk lives. Both of you know that outside of the elevator, you don’t, and never will, have a relationship. Elevators are a consequence of circumstance. Just mutter a meaningless question that neither you care to ask or the other person cares to answer, and stare eagerly at the floor numbers lighting up with a painful plastic smile. Because words feel less debilitatingly awkward than the sound of silence.

But this dude. This dude is a whole different breed. The only thing more awkward than being stuck in an elevator with a stranger is being stuck in an elevator with a stranger you just shook down. It’s unfortunate that the surveillance video doesn’t have audio, but by reading the thief’s lips, I think he said “It’s a hot one out there, eh?” as he appraised the ruby necklace the poor old gal wore on her wedding day.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.