Florida Man Robs Little Old Lady In Elevator And Awkwardly Rides It Down With Her

by 5 years ago

Being on the elevator with someone else is more intimate than having sex. At least during sex, I have James Blunt playing through the speakers to drown out the deafening silence of her not enjoying it. But an elevator is a where forced small talk lives. Both of you know that outside of the elevator, you don’t, and never will, have a relationship. Elevators are a consequence of circumstance. Just mutter a meaningless question that neither you care to ask or the other person cares to answer, and stare eagerly at the floor numbers lighting up with a painful plastic smile. Because words feel less debilitatingly awkward than the sound of silence.

But this dude. This dude is a whole different breed. The only thing more awkward than being stuck in an elevator with a stranger is being stuck in an elevator with a stranger you just shook down. It’s unfortunate that the surveillance video doesn’t have audio, but by reading the thief’s lips, I think he said “It’s a hot one out there, eh?” as he appraised the ruby necklace the poor old gal wore on her wedding day.

Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.