McDonald’s New Hamburglar Mascot Has Been Released Into The Wild, Which May Be Against The Terms Of His Parole

by 5 years ago


That right there is McDonald’s new Hamburglar mascot, who is returning to the burger game after a 13-year hiatus, serving what I can only assume was hard time for burying himself deep into a McDonald’s ball pit and waiting for unsuspecting children to jump on top of him so he could fondle their diddlies.

Because that dude, that dude up there, is a pervert. Look at him. Red leather gloves, orange and white polka dotted phone case. I don’t even need to look at anymore of his outfit to discern that the new Hamburglar likes his hash browns right out of the fryer.

Unfortunately, his release papers did not mandate he stay at least 300 feet away from schools and small children, or not visit his former place of employment, because he is back. Here’s his debut video, unleashing him into a world of a children who hadn’t even been conceived when he got locked up.


Sure, he’s claiming to talk to his wife on his phone. Most pederasses are extremely manipulative and good at hiding their instincts and urges. He’s not married.

McDonald’s is doing everything they can to freshen up their brand, desperate to regain a foothold with young consumers. To me, introducing a burger-munching pedophile out into the wild is incongruous with that strategy, but hey, I don’t work in advertising.

Anyway, if you see this dude, stay the fuck away.