This Drunken Memorial Day Beach Brawl Would Make Our Founding Fathers Oh So Proud

God. Family. Country. Drunk Brawls on a Florida Beach. Thank you, Memorial Day.

The beach chair WWE-style smackdown at the beginning, although utterly ineffective, was top-shelf showmanship. The dude thought for sure he was delivering the final blow to his enemy. Probably intended to kill him. But instead the dude was like, “seriously bro? Don’t bring a nylon K-Mart beach chair to a fist fight, tool.”

Also, it wouldn’t be a brawl unless there was the ultra-aggressive drunk chick sticking her chest out yelling in an ungodly high-pitched voice hiding behind the security blanket that dudes won’t hit her. Her only role is to add fuel to the fire. To remind her man who he’s fighting for. She doesn’t have a clue what they’re fighting over, she just knows that NO ONE HITS HER ANTHONY without her drunkenly stumbling around letting the entire beach know that that is NOT COOL. Doesn’t matter if Anthony took a dump in a baby’s sand bucket, that little shit probably was looking at him funny. Don’t ever change, shitfaced crazy girl on the outskirts of a fight that doesn’t involve you. Be you.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.