Have you ever been so out of it that Arnold Schwarzenegger riding a dinosaur in a fairy princess costume could walk up to you and offer you a cup of coffee and you wouldn’t even blink? Because that’s how I currently feel right now, and that’s how this poor Redditor felt which led to this rather unfortunate (read: emotionally scarring) series of events.
The following is going to be gross, and I apologize: For the past weeks, every few bowel movements I have noticed some weird blood mixed in with the feces. Obviously I took this as a bad sign, and made an appointment with a doctor. I was told to bring a stool sample.
My doctors appointment was after work today. So in the fridge, in my lunch bag, I had two tupperware containers. One was my stool sample, the other was leftover chinese food.
On a lot of days at work I tend to drink a bit to get through the day. I have some vodka in my water bottle. I never get plastered or even drunk, but I like to maintain a nice buzz. A steady buzz really helps you through the shift and dissolves the stress. Also makes me much more sociable and likeable with my co-workers. On days when I am not buzzed people tend to ask me “what’s wrong?” or remark that I am quieter than usual. I kind of need that buzz.
For whatever reason, maybe nerves about the doctors appointment, I overdid it with the drinking today.
When I went on my lunch break I was drunk. I was also wearing headphones. So I was just kind of spaced out. Drunk, lost in the haze of the music, etc. My mind was elsewhere as I prepared my lunch.
I left to go to the bathroom while my food was microwaving. I get back to the kitchen and I see people gathered around the microwave with looks of revulsion on their face. It is then that I am hit with a putrid odor. In horror, I stumbled toward the microwave and saw that I had microwaved my stool sample.
Not only had it heated up, but some of it had exploded and coated the interior of the microwave with boiling shit. Somebody threw up in the trash can.
I stuttered some sort of excuse about microwaving the wrong thing, and reached in to try to grab the container, but I dropped it on the floor. Then I threw up. When I looked up again people were staring at me with horror and disgust. I was physically overwhelmed with a terrible sensation of dread and shame. I grabbed paper towels to try to clean, but I was no longer functioning on any real mental level and just sort of stood there shaking.
At some point somebody came alone who was very polite, but clearly trying in a very forced way to hide their disturbance, and they said I could go home. Instead I just sat on a bench in the parking lot for a few hours.
I think I will quit my job. If I’m not already fired. How I can face these people again is incomprehensible. No, it isn’t possible. It will have to be a new job for me. Not to mention a new doctor. I can never explain why I missed my appointment.
I dunno if you’d need to necessarily quit your job after this. Maybe go on vacation for a week and then if anyone still remembers that you tried to cook poop in a microwave make a joke out of it? Or just, y’know, become a hermit who lives in the woods away from society so no one remembers your shitscapade.